I’m passing along the first chapter in the new book I’m working on. It’s told in first person by a 30 yr old women who has been on a journey to learn all she can about herself and sex. After a break up with a long term boyfriend, Allison Parker decided she needed more out of her life and in the process she will grow in all parts of her world and become the woman she never dreamed she could be.
Encounters
Chapter 1
The Beginning
When I decided to sit down and write my story, I wanted to do three things. I wanted to talk about the good, the bad and the OMG, I don’t think I will ever walk again, stories.
If you haven’t guessed I’m talking about sex. Yes, S-E-X and a lot of it.
Let’s get something straight right away- I’m not a nymphomaniac. I don’t go around grabbing crotches and humping anything that’s over eighteen and walks on two legs.
What I am is a thirty-year old, single, independent woman. I don’t have any children. I’m happy and financially set in my chosen profession and I’m drug and disease free. Before you ask-yes, I’m absolutely sane.
My current path in life was born out of heartache. When I was twenty, I met my soul mate.
I can laugh at that statement now but ten years ago I had no doubt he was the man I was destined to grow old with. He was my first lover and I thought we’d had a wonderful and adventurous sex life.
I was an English major determined to become the modern day Jane Austin. The many books I started all had star-crossed lovers who were always driven apart by some misunderstanding or another until a miracle saved them in the last chapter where one or both realized they couldn’t live without each other.
Sweet, charming, romances that modern day audiences really weren’t buying into anymore. Mainstream romance readers wanted more bite from their protagonists, more heat, and even more sex.
My critique group never failed to school me on the fact that what I wrote appealed to the seventy and over crowd but I was unfazed. As far as I was concerned they’d never experienced real love the way I had.
They didn’t believe in Prince Charming or chivalry or any of the wonderful things that love could be.
All I heard was “Allison, you’re delusion or girl, you’re in for a rude awakening.”
Man, had I been stupid.
I didn’t hit upon that particular epiphany until I was twenty-five. Two weeks before mine and Mike’s five year anniversary. We were on the phone and I heard it in his voice. A distance that hadn’t been there before. I refused to acknowledge it, remaining cheerful as we discussed plans for our five year celebration dinner.
Finally, he stopped me mid-sentence. “Allison, I can’t do this anymore.”
My stomach seized and my mouth went dry. I couldn’t feel my feet and I squeezed my eyes shut- this wasn’t actually happening.
“No, Mike.” I cringe as I think about how small and weak I sounded in that moment.
“Yes. It’s over.” I’d never heard that tone in his voice. It bordered on annoyed as though he didn’t have time for my breakdown.
“How can you say this? Where did this come from? Is there someone else?”
“I have to work on myself. I need to be alone.”
Fuck! Those words still have an effect on me ten years later. What could I say to that? How could I be selfish? If he needed to better himself, I couldn’t stand in his way.
The truth emerged months later. He hadn’t needed to work on himself-he’d found someone else and was giving her the life I always thought I’d have with him.
I questioned everything about myself. Why wasn’t I good enough? What did I do wrong? I sifted through every word he’d spoken to me that I could remember and wondered how many of them were lies.
In the end I gave up. After months of tears and too many gallons of pralinse and cream ice-cream, I looked at my expanding waist size and said “Fuck you.”
Actually I screamed. “Fuck you, I hope you’re dick falls off and you balls shrivel back up inside you!”
There was plenty more where that came from but you get the picture. After my shouting fit, I cried, harder and longer than even I dreamed was possible until there were no mores to tears to be had. No more runny nose, nothing but complete exhaustion and a pounding headache.
Two happy pain pills and fourteen hours of sleep later, I woke up determined to start my story over again.
Little did I realize that not only would I forget Mike but I would learn that what we had was nothing more than an idealized notion of what really went on between a man and a woman.
That it’s possible to connect with another human being in a profound way even for a short bit and it can be more memorable than five years with a selfish prick. That really great sex can happen once and you can walk away with a wave and a smile and not feel guilty or slutty.
The things I’ve learned now would drive my ex crazy but he’ll never have that chance to experience what I’ve been so generously been taught and what I’ve discovered about myself from lovers who were open and honest about what they wanted and what they needed.
This is a story of sexual discovery, of sexual exploration, of sexual liberation. It is also the story of finding myself outside the confines of a relationship. Of believing that I am worthy of admiration and attention.
This is my story but it could be any woman’s story, if she chooses it to be.
Love,
Allison Parker
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