White knuckling it.

Thanksgiving is only weeks away.  Sometimes it’s easy to forget all the good things in your life when you’re dealing with those times where you are white knuckling it.

We all have demons and when they rear their ugly head we have those moments, we can give in or we can fight. Giving in to those feelings usually leads to anger, guilt, and  frustration to name a few. It’s when you start thinking about whatever your demon is called. It starts to weigh heavily on you as time passes. The yearnings, cravings or needs can sometimes feel like someone is sitting on your chest, pushing the air out of you or you feel like you’re going to lose it and explode if you don’t get some relief.

The best example I have for this is when you’re on a diet. The first few days you’re doing great. Counting your calories, starting an exercise program and buying healthy food, vowing to never have junk food again. Then it happens, you start pmsing, the moon is full and if you have to eat one more carrot stick you’re going to throw up. The only thing that will make you feel better is chocolate. You know there is a bag of oreos your hubby bought the kids and they are calling your name. Calling is too timid a word. What starts as a whisper turns into screams in your head. “Come on, eat just one, you know you wanna.”

You begin to obsess about those fucking chocolate and vanilla filled, sugar goodness. “Okay maybe I can have two instead of one. Two won’t hurt and I won’t eat a snack tonight.” You bargain with yourself, trying to make a deal you will never fulfill. Before you know it your hands are wrapped painfully tight around the arms of your chair, trying to wait until the feeling passes.

This is the worst part because in that moment there is nothing…nothing more important then those cookies. The minutes feel like hours, the hours feel like days. You’re mouth waters as you imagine taking that first sweet bite. This is your moment of truth. The time for a decision. Give in or put it out of your mind. The need starts to fade, the obsession begins to wane and you find that you have won this time.

But there will be times when you do give in. When the urge is too strong or the need too great. Does that mean you’re weak? No, it means that you are human and as such you’ll make mistakes big and small. You will feel happiness and pain. You will feel pride and shame and you will think and say and do things that are so out of character for you that you’ll want to hide in a dark corner until you can forget.

This year I’ve learned that white knuckling is a part of life just like giving into temptation is but the more times you win, it makes it just a little bit easier the next time your demons make an appearance. What haunts you will never completely leave you, they dig in to you become a part of who you are. How big that part is, will be something for you to decide.



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