Coming to the End

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore. Few people ever keep them and you’re just setting yourself up for failure in a new year. Instead I’m only going to say that I will be better in the new year. A better mom, spouse , friend and writer.

After a tumultuous couple of years and after reaping what I’ve sewn this year, I’ve reach the point where I finally feel normal, happy even. Deep down I wish I hadn’t gone through some of my experiences, there is nothing I can do to change what happened before today. What I can say is that I’m a better person right now than I’ve been in a long time.

I’ve learned to forgive others for their actions. I hope those I’ve hurt can do the same but if not, I can’t spend my time worrying about it. I’ve waffled between regret and guilt and a whole myriad of the worst kind of emotions and I finally feel like the storm has passed.

It’s always been my choice as to whether or not I allow my past to define me and for a long time I did just that. But for the last five months or so I’ve moved on and let go of the bad and take comfort in the good. Bad memories still haunt me on occasion but I’ve learned to ride it out and let the moment pass. I’ve taken a break from therapy because all I was doing was reliving things over and over again in a tiny little office. I usually left in tears and feeling miserable. It made it impossible to move on because I couldn’t let go of the things that caused me such tremendous pain. I needed some space. I needed time to heal and I wasn’t doing that when I was going. Don’t get me wrong. Therapy is a wonderful tool to use and there was a time where I definitely needed it. But now I’ve reached the point that reliving the bad became a destructive force that threatened to swallow me whole.

Where I thought I’d never be able to forgive, I have. When I thought I couldn’t go back to what made me special, I have. I’ve learned to never put my happiness in another person or thing. I’ve learned that wanting more “things” doesn’t fulfill you. You may have the latest and greatest but it does nothing to relieve the ache in your heart.

So what do I look forward to in 2015? Everything!! I hope to continue on the path that I’ve started.

First by taking care of me. Continuing my workouts, taking my meds and much needed vitamins everyday.It’s amazing what getting the exercise, eating well and getting enough sleep will do for you. For the last few years I would go two or three days without anymore than an hour or so of sleep. My mind wouldn’t shut off but now I’ve shaken that and again am getting my 8 hours.

I will continue writing everyday. Even if I think what I’m writing is shit. I received some very nasty criticism over my work and I’ll admit it stung, especially considering that it was from someone who used to be my biggest supporter. But time and space have made me realize that I was getting what I gave to them. So, I suppose in their eyes, I deserved the payback. But something magical happened within that time when my writing ability was put down. I discovered that I really don’t give a shit about those opinions. They don’t have a clue what it takes to write and that’s okay. They can say what they want and that’s okay too. I’m not angry anymore and I’ve forgiven them and myself. I hold no grudges because it only serves to take a piece of who you are a little at a time until you’re lost.

Because of the hard lessons I’ve learned, I want to continue to make life what it should be. To be happy, to be content and to be a better person. The struggle has taught me what I don’t want to be and as the New Year passes, I’m looking forward to a do over.

I’m not falling back into the same traps again. The hot and cold, up and down, back and forth situations that I’ve put myself in. There is no going back and no one could ever tempt me into it again.

I have nothing to prove to anyone else and I never will again. I don’t want complicated, I don’t want regret or anger. And I think I’ve found the formula that works for me.

Gone are the days of pretending that everything is okay when they aren’t. Gone are the ideas that I need the perfect home, the perfect kids and the perfect life. What I have right now is perfect, for the time being. I will adjust my world to continue feeling this way. To be at peace. To like myself enough not to do the things that I know are bad for me. I won’t be forced to do anything I don’t want to and I hope to never again jump down the rabbit hole.

I hope to keep laughing, smiling, and feeling good about myself. Accept that I’ve learned lessons along the way and those lesson have helped shape my new world. It’s never taken much to make me happy. Kind words, a gentle soul, laughing at ridiculous things. Happy to be alive without looking ahead but taking it one day at a time. No more making things overly complicated, no running from my issues and no longer looking to others to validate who and what I am.

No more questioning if love is real. If honesty is real. No more trying to control everyone and everything around me. No wishing I had a different kind of life. No more laying expectations at the feet of others and no more blogging about the past. What’s happened has happened. What’s gone is gone, never to be revisited again. A part of me will always have a little regret. I’m only human after all. I’ve locked it away in a corner of my soul. I can look back at the good that’s happened in my life. To the wonderful experiences I’ve had without questioning everything about them. It soothes me on bad days and I’m fond of those memories and will always cherish not only them but all the defining moments in my life. No one can ever take these things from me, or deny them because they are mine.

Even though I don’t make resolutions, I do have goals for the coming year.

To continue taking care of me, because the only way for me to be happy in all parts of my life, I first have to be happy in myself.

I want to finish up and publish at least 6 stories this year. I have a lot of sequels that my readers are waiting for and I’m going to do my best to make that happen.

I’m going to wake up and remember it’s a new day and ask myself if what I’m doing or who I am is making me happy. If the answer is no then I will adjust and do better. I don’t want to rely on others to make me feel whole, to make me feel like I’m good enough. I won’t ever again try to relive or erase my past but to embrace it and the changes I’ve made.

I want to bring nothing but joy to those around me. I want them to feel happiness when I talk to my loved ones. To make them feel special and that I’m truly grateful to have them in my life. I don’t ever want to purposely hurt any ever again. I don’t want revenge nor do I want to be the cause of strife for anyone. It’s important to me that I’m present when I talk with someone. That I’m here for them and that they are important to my world. My kids and I are much closer than we’ve ever been. My oldest is going to be 18 in a few months and he’s turned out to be a wonderful young man. I feel privileged to have watched him mature and the issues we may have had are in the past. I love him and his brother and sister more than anything and look forward to the next phase of life, helping them in the next stage of their life. Graduations, weddings and grandbabies are the things I have to look forward to now and it’s exhilarating to think about.

2015 will be a continuation of what I’ve begun. It’s been a long road to navigate but I feel lucky to have come out on the other side happy and whole. I don’t need “crutches” to get through my day anymore and that’s another thing I’m grateful for.

In saying goodbye to 2014, I owe a big thank you to those who have touched my life- good or bad. Who’ve shown me what’s good about me and who I don’t ever want to be again.

I hope in the New Year that you all are surrounded by happiness. That you don’t accept the things that don’t fulfill or give you peace. That you find what will bring true joy.

Happy Holidays and a very Merry New Year,

Sierra

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