April 1rst, not just for fools.

April 1rst, the day I “officially” take over the bookstore-my bookstore. I’m trying to embrace the positive things that have and are continuing to go my way. It’s been hard NOT to think that something bad is going to come my way.

Learning to embrace all the good without expecting the worst has been an exercise in patience and faith not only in myself but in the world at large. Learning to accept and find joy amid the chaos has taken a long time but I’m closer to that mind-set then I’ve ever been before.

Living life on my terms is a little hard to get used to. I was always about the kids and making sure their life was everything mine hadn’t been. I’m glad I was able to stay home with them but since they’ve entered High School they don’t need me as much. If I didn’t have the store, I might have been a little lost.

That has been a large part of my issues for several years, I was always waiting. Waiting for phone calls, waiting for school to get out, waiting…waiting…waiting for something-anything to happen. When you become used to waiting for life to begin, every little thing that offers you a glimpse of freedom is intensified tenfold. Things that aren’t really important in normal circumstances suddenly become what you live for.

Learning to live for me and enjoy the gifts I’ve been given has been a long time coming. I don’t selfishly FUCK up in order to be validated or feel good about who I am as a person. When I thought I’d lost everything that meant anything to me, it shook me to the core.  As I’ve said before, it fundamentally changed WHO, I really am. While I’d love to blame certain people or places, I’ve come to learn that at my lowest point, it was merely a culmination of the bullshit I’d allowed my world to become.

I found balance to be key. Quality time, not quantity of time spent with family and friends has boosted my mood, my creativity and my drive. Boredom was always the enemy and I’ve replaced it with anything I can think of that brings me happiness and pleasure. Working every single day has tired me out a little, I always come home and am grateful for where I am and what I have.

I’ll never have a fat bank account, a big assed house and I probably won’t take vacations to Europe anytime soon but what I’ve found is so much more satisfying. It’s good to be able to pay your bills and have what you need but I’ve learned the difference between having what you need and having what you want. Chasing my wants and being disappointed when I don’t get them is no way to live. Finding satisfaction in what I have has been freeing and I wish that everyone could understand this idea and find what makes them truly happy.

Love, passion, laughter are what I strive for. What I hold most dear and what I won’t do without. Regret, anger, resentment and the drive to fill my world with “stuff” always leaves you wanting more, something real and something with meaning.

I’ve been around people at my very best and my worst. I’ve also had people in my life at their best and worst and I know that time doesn’t change what was and nothing or no one will ever experience the same thing I have…no matter how obtuse they behave or their insistence they are in a better position than I.

Our experiences are NEVER duplicated by any else and there is an underlying satisfaction in knowing this and being able to smile and laugh. With each the sayings about forgiveness, honesty, happiness are all true. I forgive not for anyone else but for me. I love what I love and feel no regrets about it and I do what I do that pleases me. I’m not interested in anger, hatred, revenge or wishing others harm.

I’m not perfect nor do I want to be. I can’t possibly imagine the pressure of striving for the perfect life must be. How suffocating it is to the heart, mind, body and soul it is.

The greatest gift I’ve been given is that I don’t want to change anyone or anything to fit into my ideal of how things should be but instead accept myself and people for who they really are beneath the facade. I won’t ever be that desperate person who makes myself appear to be the victim. Who will do or say anything to make myself seem better or more than who I am. I will never again be the “crazy bitch” that people can use as an excuse for their problems. I’ve learned the truth in life always finds a way to the surface. I don’t want to be a part of the drama anymore. Not mine own or anyone ELSES. Believing you are good enough for exactly who you really are is amazing. As such life has again become something to look forward to. Something to smile about and it feels so DAMN good. Never settle, never sell out and never be anything other than who you really are. No one can keep up with being who they aren’t.

 

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