Exhausted but happy.

Besides the year I went to school to become an M.A. I can’t remember a time when I’ve worked up to 10 hours a day for 6 weeks straight and have been so damn satisfied. Tuesday, I signed the Bill of Sale for my store and the culmination of dealing with that and getting everything switched into my name, left me so exhausted that I didn’t bowl on my league and I went hope and passed out.

It’s been such a dream come true and even with all the hours I’ve been putting in, I’m left completely satisfied. Cleaning, moving and putting things the way I want them has been a joy. The 2 nearest book stores closed earlier in the year and now their customers are finding my store.

I’m expanding sections that have been under served and clearing out things that aren’t big sellers. I’m actively going out and getting books for our most popular authors and series. The ideas are coming faster than I can possibly implement them and now I just write them down in my book so I can go back to them later.

I feel like I’ve found my other purpose in life and it’s helped with the writing part that I’ve struggled with for so long now.

I’ve spoken often about self-esteem issues in the past. I’ve heard every bit of advice from those around me and from book after book. But FINALLY, I’ve reached the point where I get it. In order for my life to have purpose outside of my family and friends, I had to be in an environment that I love. Interacting with people on a daily basis has fulfilled my need for constant social interaction to such a degree that when I am at home, I’m more present. I talk more with my kids and the DH. I’ve become a better mother, wife, friend and person.

I understand that having something that is my own isn’t selfish. It’s what people need. It’s changed my out look on life and the world around me. It’s been fun, exciting and I haven’t laughed and smiled more than at any other point in my life.

I don’t carry the heavy load of self-doubt, anger, jealousy and no longer have the need to somehow prove I’m worthy as a woman and a person in general. I wish everyone could feel what I do. Even when I’m tired, like now and can barely keep my eyes open, it’s worth every single minute of time I’m putting in at the store.

I wish everyone person could feel the way I do in this moment. Oh, I know the naysayers have plenty of negative things to blather on about but I don’t give a good damn. Beyond the birth of my kids nothing, and I really mean nothing has ever made me this happy.

I look forward to the next day, not because I want this one to be over with but because I can’t wait to get up and start a new day.

Dropping 30 pounds has only added to my energy level. I don’t have to use food to compensate for any unhappiness that comes my way. I’ve been able to walk away from the things that hurt me and I don’t crave it any longer. I also refuse to believe that the sky will fall and the world will turn dark and everything will be taken from me. When you think in those terms, it will generally come to pass. Call it self-sabotage or focusing on the negative. However you want to phrase it, well I’m not buying it anymore. A lesson I wish I would have learned several years ago. I could have saved myself a whole mess of trouble. In truth I would have avoided it in the first place.

I refuse to entertain failure at this point in my life and with what I’m doing now. I have more than I ever dreamed I would have and can now deal with the stresses that used to trigger bad behavior toward those people, places and things that used to get me down. My reaction to those stresses have changed as well. I’ve lost the feeling of everything building up inside of me until I lose it and explode. Trust me- I can be a grade A B-I-T-C-H, but I just don’t feel like behaving that way anymore. I don’t want to control or micro manage everyone and everything around me. I’ve discovered control freaks are that way because they’re missing something within themselves.

Everything that has happened in my life has brought me to this point. Without the heartbreak, disappointment, without freaking out and clawing my way through the dark, I wouldn’t be where I am today and the truth is I’m happy with how my life is turning out. It feels like I’ve won some great prize, one that can never be bought. You can only get it if you give it to yourself and for that realization I’m thankful for all my life experiences and where it’s brought me to , today.

I hope that if even one person reads this and is inspired to find your bliss- not with things but within themselves. You know when you look in the mirror and smile instead of inspecting every line on your face, or whether your make-up and hair are perfect. To be truly happy and accept who you are in all your glory.

I hope you come to realize that perfection can never be achieved. That all facades crumble and that when you like and love yourself, the world around you will look different. All your anger and hatred, your disappointment and depression you may be feeling can fall away. When you stop chasing the almighty dollar and instead do what you love, I promise you things will change. It won’t be over night but it will get better.

And, before you know it, all will be right in the world again and you will eventually be grateful for everything that’s brought you to this moment.

I wish you all a Happy Easter and as a line from my favorite Irish saying goes…May the wind always be at your back…

The greatest gift you can give not only to yourself but also to your nearest and dearest, is to do what makes you happy and fills your soul.

Forever grateful, forever learning and forever forgiving.



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