Ghosts

We all have them. The one thing that’s haunts you in your sleep or smacks you in the head when you least expect it. Mine usually hits me when something exciting happens and I think…What if?

It’s stupid and I hate when it happens. It sucks when your chest tightens and you have to fight back tears. Tears that should have dried up a long time ago. Tears that the ghosts aren’t worthy of.

Today is one of those days. I’m blaming it on working everyday since the middle of February. I leave here tired, but it’s always a good kind of exhaustion. The kind you feel after putting in a positive day of work. Yet I find myself in the store today. Moving books, rearranging things & happy when a customer walks through the door. With Easter tomorrow we aren’t as busy and maybe that’s why it’s thoughts are swirling around my head now. Maybe it’s because spring, especially May & June are still difficult months for me. They are laden with the pain of the past, and hitting me hard.

I thought, hoped keeping busy the ghosts would never again be an issue, but the heart and mind just don’t work that way. Man, I wish it did. You have no idea how much I wish that were true.

I know exactly what set it off this time. A dream, a very vivid dream that disturbed me a great deal when I woke up and asked the Universe WHY? I know I’m not in the minority when it comes to things like this and it will pass. It just really, really sucks to be reminded of the person I used to be. Desperate, angry and so full of sorrow I didn’t think I could move beyond it.

I have, I truly have but every now and then it sneaks up and bites me in the ass. Maybe it’s to serve as a reminder how not to behave. Whatever the reasons, I just want the ghosts to fade. I want only to be left with the good and throw out the bad.

So, I’ll keep moving. Thrusting the ghosts back into the corner of my mind and continue to move forward. Everyone’s ghosts do it without a second thought or regret and so we all must do the same. Honor the choices we make now, not regret the choices we made in the past. While I know this won’t be the last time, how I proceed from this moment forward is up to me. I can wallow in self-pity or I can get busy with doing the things I’ve been doing.

Today, I’ll allow myself to let the feelings filter through me and tomorrow I’ll wake up with no ghosts haunting me- Until the next time….

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