UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGH! The word uttered by Charlie Brown whenever something sucky happens. For me today is one of those fucking days. It was a great day in the past but had I known then what I know now, I would have savored it just a little bit more. So, instead this is a bitter day for me. And it shouldn’t be. What it should be is one of those memories that I keep locked away and smile about.

Lucky me the worst day of my life gets to make an appearance the last week in May. Unexpected, unexplainable ( at the time) and fucking impossible to let go of. I hate every single second of it. Yeah! I’m whining about it because it shouldn’t make me feel this way. I just want to put it in the past where it belongs.

And then a lovely day in June that sealed my fate and told me everything I didn’t want to believe about people and how cold, hard, selfish and callous they could be. These events catapulted me into the darkest time of my life. Gave fuel to the one who caused such pain in my life. And turned me into something unrecognizable. It’s not that I didn’t help matters along. Oh I certainly did with all the pathetic, desperation and worse still the same lines you here other people say and swear you’d never say to another human being.

But I got as good as I gave. It was pretty impressive now that I look upon it. It showed me that what I thought of someone was merely nothing but smoke and mirrors. Maybe that’s why I’m so bummed out today. I put my whole trust in because they said I could, without a doubt and I come to find out they were a COMPLETELY different person.

This day will pass without me telling them one more time that I can’t believe all the lies and they weren’t little ones either. It will pass without any response, and I imagine without a second thought. There will be no heart-felt, I’m sorry s. I did this for a reason. Or all the other things I want to hear or see written.

I go to sleep sad and get up tomorrow and start over. I know I’ll go through this again at the end of next month and again in June but then I should be done for the year.

I’m happy though. I’ve gotten back what I thought was lost. I love my life and the direction I’m going. I also know they’ve missed out on some of the most exciting times to be had. I’ve become a better person, in spite of everything and for that I’m grateful.

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