Tested again…and I passed!!!

Since I’ve been committed to focusing on all the good things that have happened in my life instead of everything that has gone wrong, has proved to be the best mood booster I’ve ever had.

I’ve been tested, more than once this year. What’s working for me is that I feel the bad feelings, imagine the absolute worst until it passes. I don’t obsess over them anymore.

It’s not quite as easy as it sounds. There’s always a chance that I could be pulled under by B.S. I am nervous about the possibility of falling into the “Victim” mode I use to. When you fall into a serious depression it’s very easy to not see the good in life and only the bad. Depression can strangle you, squeezing out who you really are and setting up residence not only in your head but in your heart. It’s devious and consumes every single part of you. You find yourself doing things so out of character that people around you begin to believe this is truly who you are.

Unless you’ve experienced the devastation of your mind fucking you over, you can’t understand. Those people will never have compassion because they don’t get it. The mind is a powerful and complex thing and some don’t get it that when your brain can’t regulate your serotonin levels it can drive you into some pretty fucking dark places.

They think “You need to get over it.” or “It’s not that big a deal.” and a whole host of other stupid things they can think to say. Why? because they are usually in denial of their own issues or won’t acknowledge it. Sweeping it under the rug is easier than confronting your own truth. Analyzing yourself and why you do what you do is difficult for even the most mentally healthy person.

People often see any type of weakness as a character flaw instead of someone who has lost themselves in a land where there is no light, no way out and accept things for what they are. But their issues always manifest themselves in one way or another. Repeating the patterns they know because of fear of the unknown.

The old saying fake it til you make it can work in certain circumstances. But it’s hard to do. I certainly was never able to do that. My anger used to be hair-trigger happy and after feeling sorry for myself, I would lash out in the most spectacular way. Now when I think about them, I cringe that I’ve been so mean and vengeful in the past, generally followed by feeling sorry for myself and riding the pity train.

Getting off that ride has taken me years but I’ve finally been able to walk away from that station. I am scared it will come back and I’ll hop on board for another bout of poor me, I hate you and all that goes along with it.

At this point, I’ve learned that most things aren’t worth the fight. People, places, hurtful words, lies whatever. They aren’t worth the fight. Not because of them but because of what it used to do to me. Being a hateful creature only turns you into a more hateful creature and who the hell wants to live like that.

I like laughing and really enjoy each day so much better. I think between my kids being in high school and not needing me every minute of the day has helped. Dropping 30 pounds has helped. Working out has helped. Being independent and being happy with myself has helped. I don’t lose myself in T.V, in fact I’ve really don’t watch much anymore. Doing things that I want to do. Trying really hard to be the kind of woman I want to be. There was always glimmers over the years, when I was at my best. When I loved fiercely and with abandon. When I didn’t try to conform to what others thought I should be. When I was, who I’ve always wanted to be.

Time and circumstances have changed but I’m at a point in my life where I don’t feel the pressure the way I used to. I don’t allow bad feelings to sit in my belly and boil over and I turn into a crazy bitch out to hurt as many people as I can.

Last year I felt like the worst person in the world. I let a stranger cut me until I bled (emotionally) and gave them the power to hurt me as deep as you can be. A stranger-someone I never met nor will ever meet. Someone who thought they knew everything but I’ve come to realize knows nothing.

I won’t give anyone the power to tell me who I am, what my past or future is, and whether I’m a good person or not.

We all fuck up. We all do things that are out of character of who we really are. We are all capable of becoming monsters who want to cause the most destruction we can to each other. No one is immune. But the question to ask is how do you feel when you go to bed at night? Do you toss and turn, find it hard to sleep because your mind won’t turn off? Do you think about the past and all the shitty things that have happened or regret your decisions?

Unless you’re a psychopath, we’ve all experienced this. The question then remains, is this how you want to live your life?

My answer is NO. As such when I’ve been tested this year by things I hadn’t expected or memories that used to burn, I’ve learned a few things. Letting the feelings pass through me. Not responding to those feelings in a negative way. No longer expecting people to think, feel or behave the way I want them to.

Sometimes it’s hard not hating people, not being jealous, not wanting what others have. I always thought it was either all or nothing with the things and experiences in my life and as such pushed people away, turned into someone who I didn’t even like. I’d become the very thing I despised in other people. Even writing this now I get a little knot in my stomach and I do wish I could take back some of the things I’ve done. Some of the venom I spewed. Some of the angry things I’ve written and actions I’ve taken.

I can’t and all the pretty words in the world won’t change that. What has changed is that I’m trying to make sure I don’t act the way others have come to expect from me and even if I have a bad day or a weak moment, I don’t let it consume me. Eat away at what I’ve become. To give in permanently to my old patterns. To always remember my strengths, my passion, the things that make me smile and the things that make me believe love is real and all the good people are capable of.

Most of all, I keep in mind that my experiences are mine and no one can take away the good, no matter how hard they may try by their deeds or words.

My days as the “victim” are in the past and I never intend to find myself going there again. I’m happy, I’m healthy and I believe in the good again.

I hope all who read this can experience this in and won’t ever settle for anything less or do anything you don’t want to do because another person demands it from you or else. If they really love you, respect you, want you for you and not as some trained dog, they won’t do it. Love yourself enough to do what makes you happy. Because if you aren’t happy with you , you’ll never be happy no matter where you are, or what you do.

Much love and happiness,

Sierra

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2 Comments

  1. Hugs. Just hugs, and understanding.

    Like


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