Short and Sweet!!!

                                 SHUT IT DOWN!!!! My life and those I love are not yours to fuck with. You won’t win this battle. 

                                                                                      Go and enjoy your great life!!!!!

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Soundtrack for a new kind of book

I’ve finally gotten an idea for my first foray into pure urban fantasy. Catching lightening in a bottle has been hard fro me over the past few years but I’ve come up with something that I’m really excited about for the first time in a long time. Yes there will still be a romance to it, I’m excited about the world building and exploring the characters in it. As always I’ve been listening to music, hoping for an idea to take root and the other day I found it.

Jagger, the hero of the first story is a male with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He will do anything to keep his kind safe in this world even thought he yearns to be free from all the B.S. he has to deal with.  He will find his freedom in a woman who has seen more than enough tragedy in her life yet draws strength from her pain and anger toward those that hurt her.

Jagger is complicated and will have to learn to put his trust in another in order to find his rightful place among his people.

This song by Seether embodies everything about Jagger that I hope to convey-

Burning Bridges

Burning bridges down to the ground can be good or bad, depending on how you look at it. I’m NOT talking about ex’s. Concerning that one you don’t need to burn them- you need to completely and utterly destroy them by any means necessary. As much as it may suck, it will get better. The sting will disappear and life will continue to move on. No matter how much it hurts now, with time and distraction, you’ll wake up one day and poof…it’s all gone.

The bridges I’m talking about are the ones with family and friends.

Unless you’ve come from an abusive home burning bridges with your family is usually a huge mistake. Your family generally accepts you for who you are, even if they disagree with your choices. Even if they are sometimes critical of you. In the end its your family that will be there for you. Breaking these relationships takes a toll on your heart and soul. When you come to understand that people are who they are, your tolerance rises. Remember these are the people who were there when you needed them. Who’ve come to your aid, been there to listen. Any issues they have with you comes from love and concern, not hate. As human’s we can be terribly bad at communicating about how we are feeling. Generations differ on how they take you. Give them a break.

Maya Angelou had a great saying. You did the best you knew how and when you know better you do better. It’s quite simple but gets the point across. It’s those who fall into the same patterns that are doomed to repeat their mistakes. Don’t burn your bridges unless you are sure that you won’t change your mind. You won’t feel guilt or think about them in the quiet moments.

Friends are a trickier proposition. I believe that people who give up life long friends do it for other reasons than really wanting to. Your significant other doesn’t like them or is jealous of them.  Your significant other doesn’t trust you and therefore isn’t going to trust anyone you know. If they really love you they won’t try to control you to the point where you have to break off with your friends. We all go through bullshit in our lives and my friends have been there for me when no one else was. Deciding to burn those bridges can sometimes be more difficult than with family.

The memories you’ve shared, the good times you’ve had. They have made a part of who you are. When I’ve had to burn bridges, it’s very difficult to repair them. Generally your trust is blown all to hell, you don’t want to think about stuff that pissed you off or hurt you. You don’t want every word or deed you’ve ever spoken or done to be thrown into your face. And forgive and forget has to be just that. Forgiving and forgetting, not to be brought up when you’re unhappy or in a bad mood.

Relationships shouldn’t be complicated. We should never have to walk on egg shells around someone else or be something we are not. We should never feel as though we aren’t quite good enough or that we have nothing to offer this world. We should never need approval for merely being who we really are. This is where it can get a little sticky with friends and where do you draw the line in the sand and say no more.

Learning to find peace with who you really are goes a long way in finding tolerance in others. Let’s face it, some men are just assholes and some women are just bitches. Choosing to have these people in your life you have to understand that they aren’t going to stop being who they are. So you either accept them or you move the fuck on. Life is way too short to waffle with relationships that do nothing to nurture you, respect you, treat you like you matter, your opinion matters. Someone  who can take criticism as well as they give it. If you are expected to look to them to somehow validate you as a person or to be grateful to them for your life , then it may be time to take a bow and walk away.

It’s difficult to do, but as they say time does heal most wounds. Especially when you come to accept the way things really were and are.

The Perpetual Victim

Before I go any further let me just say that I’ve been the perpetual victim in my life. Always blaming others. I believed through their actions, I could justify mine or that I was always misunderstood, always fucked over, always on the losing end. When I made my decision this year to stop with the victim mentality things improved immediately. I feel better than I ever have and that’s a good thing. Today, I almost , almost gave into that line of thinking. I became overwhelmed by feelings and the temptation to bring some pain to someone, anyone. In the end, I was able to cut it out and so this made me think about the never-ending saga of victimhood.

Do yourself and everyone else a favor and knock it off. Stop blaming others, laying your faults, your mistakes at the feet of others. Get some fucking balls and own up to your fuck-ups. Your behavior is yours and yours alone. Wallowing in the lake of poor me or it’s not my fault, only makes others run. Your never-ending saga of whining incessantly and not doing anything about it starts to bore people. They tend to rescind their good will and their understanding.

If you’re miserable then it stands to reason that you need to do something about it, not depend on others to do it for you. Embrace your bullshit for what it actually is, blaming other people is easier then taking responsibility for your own unhappiness. It’s so easy to feel screwed over and even better you get to blame someone else. It can’t possibly be because of anything you’ve done or said. How could it, everything is being done to you, right?

To perpetuate your narrative, you convince yourself and others around you that it’s everyone else’s fault. You call out others, you make ridiculous claims they are lying, they are the bad guy without taking a long look in the mirror and telling yourself to get a grip and knock it off.

What I’ve described above is how I USED to be, but there comes a time when you will be looked upon, treated or called out on your shitty actions or intentions. Instead of being the long-suffering victim of the world, waiting for something good to happen or to be appreciated for your hard work or sitting back and doing nothing, absolutely nothing to change your situation.

I’ve run into several people in life who do this very thing. Waiting to be happy. Waiting to be understood. Waiting for something better to come along. Waiting for whatever the fuck you’re waiting for. It doesn’t come and when you act desperate, don’t put that bullshit on anyone else. Some of the people I know will make the asinine assumption this is directed at them. Sorry but you’re wrong, and if you don’t believe it…well that isn’t anything I can do about it.

 

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After what has felt like forever, I finally finished my edits on Egyptian Touch and sent them back to my editor. It’s such a huge relief to finally get over my last hurdle and that is to publish a new book. I really thought my days of writing were gone but I was wrong.

I’ve never been so happy to be wrong before. I’ve been able to prove to myself that I can write. My stories are worth reading and no matter what happens in my life, my writing will always be in me. It was one of the things I was meant to do in my life. If you’ve never written before it might be hard to understand what it’s like to have all your words locked up in your head refusing to come out and play nice.

Egyptian Touch felt like a never ending manuscript, doomed to never see the light of day. As writers we know that once you get over whatever has frozen your words, and let them flow you can do awesome things.

I’ve been reading a lot of writing advice from people like Stephen King, Anne Rice, Hemmingway, Fitzgerald and others and it’s finally taken root.

The Good, the Bad and the please go the Fuck Away!

I think working everyday since Feb is beginning to get to me a little. I’m more tired today then I’ve been for a long time. I slept like a baby last night, ate breakfast, yet here I am at the store. It’s 1:00 and I’m ready for a nap.

I’ve experienced some emotional ups and downs over the past few weeks. A very close friend of mine was diagnosed with Cancer and I found out Tuesday night. She’s the most wonderful woman I know. Like her, I gave up my career in order to stay home and raise my kids. Our children have been together since kindergarten. The thing that bothered me was the age old question “Why Her?”

When I say she is the nicest, kindness female I’ve ever known, I’m not exaggerating. She’s gorgeous and sweet. She helps out her friends at a moments notice. She was there for me during my dark time. She’d never do anything to hurt another person. She was a nurse and as such she  had a calm, patient demeanor about her. Out of all the people I’ve ever known in my life- she is the last person who deserves to go through this. Not that I’d wish it on anyone, even those I despise the most, but it’s just another example of the fact that life isn’t fair.

There are a myriad of assholes on  the planet you’ll run into your entire life. Liars, game players, stupid bitches, mean to the core. There are those who love to cut you, and make sure it really, really hurt. There are those who fuck with your head one minute and then tell you to go away the next. There are people who think they’re somehow rough, tough and scary behind a phone or the computer. Let’s be real there are just some really rotten, selfish souls out there- who waltz through the world knocking down anyone in their way. I usually feel sorry for folks like this but today I’m not. Today I really dislike them. Today I’d bitch slap them into tomorrow and add in an uppercut to get my point across.

That’s why I”m so angry that she has gotten this plague. With all the nasty in the world, someone who is as good as her should never, ever have to go through something like this. I would trade places with her in a minute if I could. Not because I’m some kind of self-sacrificing martyr or I want to leave this earth anytime soon but I’d have a big support system and I am afraid she won’t ask for any help-even if she needs it. But she’s a strong lady and I know that of anyone she will  come out on the other end in tact. At times like these it’s natural to look back on your life and question your decisions, your trust, whether or not you were making things up in your head. I wonder if my memory is as clear of what’s happened in my life or I was just fooling myself about people, places and experiences. I’ve questioned the good things in my life as well. Were things as awesome as I remember or was it wishful thinking. Did I put trust in the wrong things. I hate to lose, I mean really, really hate it. When I lose it tends to eat away at me, sometimes for a short bit, sometimes forever. I don’t fight it anymore…it is what it is…I’ve never let anyone intimidate me, tell me what I can or can’t do. What I will or won’t do. It merely keeps me going when that shit happens.

But in the grand scheme of life, her situation puts some things in perspective and I realize how lucky I’ve been and still am.

About the only thing I want now is  a gift certificate to a SPA. That would make my day…lol..Once I was told I was getting a gift card to one for my birthday but like all the other sweet things they told me, it was nothing but a big fat lie. It still makes me upset that I played the absolute fool. The one thing I’ve always hated. Knowing that everything during that time was nothing more than a game or a joke and I fell for it all. Believing without a doubt that what they were saying was the truth. I should have known better and it still stings to this day and once in awhile I still shed a few tears for being such an idiot for believing some pretty words when they never meant one word. And really feeling like a fool is a hard thing to let go of and even harder to forget. If only there had been a sliver of truth concerning that time it would get easier, less hurtful. At the very least I could learn to trust people again instead of wondering if what they’re saying to me has any truth to it. It’s a reality I could have done without. Worst of all it went for several years but as with most things it is what it is. They’d rather be thought of as the victim of life now and I suppose if I were in their place, I might do the same thing. I don’t know the whole deal makes me want to vomit and completely erase my memories instead of them creeping up on me on days like today…It just really fucking sucks to be the joke.

Counting down the days!

In 3 days I will celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary. While we’ve definitely had our ups and downs and the road has been far from smooth, what I’ve come to appreciate is who my husband is.

He’s never turned his back on me …ever…Even during the worst time of my life when people shunned me, ran away, lied like I never dreamed possible. When I was turned inside out and became a shell of a women. During the times when I was so fucking destructive to myself and those around me. He pulled me through those dark moments. It wasn’t always what he had to say just that he was here, with me. Accepting me for who I was and who I am.

I know I’m in a better place in my life then I’ve ever been. I’m a happier person then I’ve ever been. That I’m stronger and wiser then I’ve ever been. I have my compassion back for others. I have forgiveness for myself and others.

He’s shown me what real loyalty means. What respect means. What real strength of character and standing by someone means. Words mean nothing. They’re too easy to say without meaning them. It’s too easy to go back on them. Too easy to break promises. No, beyond my writing, words don’t hold a lot of sway with me.

Showing me is what counts. I’m not talking about expensive gifts or having it all. I’m talking about showing me things in the quieter moments. In the small conversations. In mentioning something and it being remembered days, weeks later.

I’ve always been pretty easy to please. I’ve only ever wanted people to be open and honest with me. To really be my friend that I can call on anytime. I’m lucky to have that in my life with great, life long friends and 20 years with the man who has stood by my side when he by all rights should have walked away.

I’ve simplified my life. Let a couple of friends who are a source of non-stop negative energy go. Some I’ve known most of my life. Things in my world are so uncomplicated and I’m grateful every single morning that I wake up and get to live this life.

A life that’s been made better by the hard lessons I’ve had to learn. A life that allows me to look at the good in everyone and to be satisfied with what I have.

At this stage in my life, people who are my age, I think most of us have moved into that second phase. Our children are grown, some are gone and we get to focus on us and what makes us happy. We get to go where we want without worrying about childcare or whining and crying. I rarely have to play peace keeper anymore and make the kids work their shit out for themselves. My three are all very independent and know what they want to do with their lives.

I hope I’ve learned from my mistakes and won’t ever repeat them again but we can never say never.

With the type of Bi-polar illness I have, a lot of people can’t deal with it and have cut and run. I used to be angry at them but I’ve come to understand they just didn’t possess the strength or ability to understand that everything does pass in its own time. And that’s okay.

I can be difficult, I can be bitchy and moody but those who love me get it. They know they don’t have to do “anything” but be there for me if I need them. Calm me when I feel like I’m slipping down that dark slope. But because I’ve had the kind of support I’ve been given, I’ve emerged from the black cave and really appreciate every single thing that has happened in my life that brought me to where I am. Without these past experiences I wouldn’t feel they way I feel now and so I can’t regret anything of the past.

Without my past I wouldn’t now have my store. I wouldn’t be celebrating my 20 year marriage. I wouldn’t understand that just because I want something doesn’t mean I need it and that if I don’t have the  right “things” in my world, doesn’t mean I don’t have a great life.

I look at it like this, if you can’t take it with you when you die then it isn’t important. I don’t ever want to be one of those people who in their last days have to be haunted by regrets, the woulda, shoulda, coulda’s in life.

My DH has shown me that life moves forward. I’m happy for the first time in my life, really, really happy. I sleep well, I feel great. No aches or pains in my body or in my brain. I can wake up and smile and be happy for all that I have and I appreciate all the things I’ve been given and look forward to the future.

Will there be difficult days ahead? I’m sure there will but if I can find my way through 2012-2014, I can get through anything and I mean anything. It’s nice to come home from the store and have peace, love and laughter. I can even ignore my 3 teenagers when they are sniping and bickering (which is pretty much anytime they are together for too long). My home is filled with their friends who call me mom (I’m the fun house) and I’m finally able to get my backyard garden going. I’m not talking about a few veggies and some flowers. My eventual goal is to have a colorful oasis, a place where I can retreat to , a place for friends and family to come and relax and a place for my kids friends to have bon fires and laugh and be kids.

None of this could have been possible without my DH. It may have taken us 20 yrs to reach the point of contentment but I think we’re pretty close.

Wishing you all well from another wonderful looking day in Michigan,

Sierra