Counting down the days!

In 3 days I will celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary. While we’ve definitely had our ups and downs and the road has been far from smooth, what I’ve come to appreciate is who my husband is.

He’s never turned his back on me …ever…Even during the worst time of my life when people shunned me, ran away, lied like I never dreamed possible. When I was turned inside out and became a shell of a women. During the times when I was so fucking destructive to myself and those around me. He pulled me through those dark moments. It wasn’t always what he had to say just that he was here, with me. Accepting me for who I was and who I am.

I know I’m in a better place in my life then I’ve ever been. I’m a happier person then I’ve ever been. That I’m stronger and wiser then I’ve ever been. I have my compassion back for others. I have forgiveness for myself and others.

He’s shown me what real loyalty means. What respect means. What real strength of character and standing by someone means. Words mean nothing. They’re too easy to say without meaning them. It’s too easy to go back on them. Too easy to break promises. No, beyond my writing, words don’t hold a lot of sway with me.

Showing me is what counts. I’m not talking about expensive gifts or having it all. I’m talking about showing me things in the quieter moments. In the small conversations. In mentioning something and it being remembered days, weeks later.

I’ve always been pretty easy to please. I’ve only ever wanted people to be open and honest with me. To really be my friend that I can call on anytime. I’m lucky to have that in my life with great, life long friends and 20 years with the man who has stood by my side when he by all rights should have walked away.

I’ve simplified my life. Let a couple of friends who are a source of non-stop negative energy go. Some I’ve known most of my life. Things in my world are so uncomplicated and I’m grateful every single morning that I wake up and get to live this life.

A life that’s been made better by the hard lessons I’ve had to learn. A life that allows me to look at the good in everyone and to be satisfied with what I have.

At this stage in my life, people who are my age, I think most of us have moved into that second phase. Our children are grown, some are gone and we get to focus on us and what makes us happy. We get to go where we want without worrying about childcare or whining and crying. I rarely have to play peace keeper anymore and make the kids work their shit out for themselves. My three are all very independent and know what they want to do with their lives.

I hope I’ve learned from my mistakes and won’t ever repeat them again but we can never say never.

With the type of Bi-polar illness I have, a lot of people can’t deal with it and have cut and run. I used to be angry at them but I’ve come to understand they just didn’t possess the strength or ability to understand that everything does pass in its own time. And that’s okay.

I can be difficult, I can be bitchy and moody but those who love me get it. They know they don’t have to do “anything” but be there for me if I need them. Calm me when I feel like I’m slipping down that dark slope. But because I’ve had the kind of support I’ve been given, I’ve emerged from the black cave and really appreciate every single thing that has happened in my life that brought me to where I am. Without these past experiences I wouldn’t feel they way I feel now and so I can’t regret anything of the past.

Without my past I wouldn’t now have my store. I wouldn’t be celebrating my 20 year marriage. I wouldn’t understand that just because I want something doesn’t mean I need it and that if I don’t have the  right “things” in my world, doesn’t mean I don’t have a great life.

I look at it like this, if you can’t take it with you when you die then it isn’t important. I don’t ever want to be one of those people who in their last days have to be haunted by regrets, the woulda, shoulda, coulda’s in life.

My DH has shown me that life moves forward. I’m happy for the first time in my life, really, really happy. I sleep well, I feel great. No aches or pains in my body or in my brain. I can wake up and smile and be happy for all that I have and I appreciate all the things I’ve been given and look forward to the future.

Will there be difficult days ahead? I’m sure there will but if I can find my way through 2012-2014, I can get through anything and I mean anything. It’s nice to come home from the store and have peace, love and laughter. I can even ignore my 3 teenagers when they are sniping and bickering (which is pretty much anytime they are together for too long). My home is filled with their friends who call me mom (I’m the fun house) and I’m finally able to get my backyard garden going. I’m not talking about a few veggies and some flowers. My eventual goal is to have a colorful oasis, a place where I can retreat to , a place for friends and family to come and relax and a place for my kids friends to have bon fires and laugh and be kids.

None of this could have been possible without my DH. It may have taken us 20 yrs to reach the point of contentment but I think we’re pretty close.

Wishing you all well from another wonderful looking day in Michigan,

Sierra

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