The Good, the Bad and the please go the Fuck Away!

I think working everyday since Feb is beginning to get to me a little. I’m more tired today then I’ve been for a long time. I slept like a baby last night, ate breakfast, yet here I am at the store. It’s 1:00 and I’m ready for a nap.

I’ve experienced some emotional ups and downs over the past few weeks. A very close friend of mine was diagnosed with Cancer and I found out Tuesday night. She’s the most wonderful woman I know. Like her, I gave up my career in order to stay home and raise my kids. Our children have been together since kindergarten. The thing that bothered me was the age old question “Why Her?”

When I say she is the nicest, kindness female I’ve ever known, I’m not exaggerating. She’s gorgeous and sweet. She helps out her friends at a moments notice. She was there for me during my dark time. She’d never do anything to hurt another person. She was a nurse and as such she  had a calm, patient demeanor about her. Out of all the people I’ve ever known in my life- she is the last person who deserves to go through this. Not that I’d wish it on anyone, even those I despise the most, but it’s just another example of the fact that life isn’t fair.

There are a myriad of assholes on  the planet you’ll run into your entire life. Liars, game players, stupid bitches, mean to the core. There are those who love to cut you, and make sure it really, really hurt. There are those who fuck with your head one minute and then tell you to go away the next. There are people who think they’re somehow rough, tough and scary behind a phone or the computer. Let’s be real there are just some really rotten, selfish souls out there- who waltz through the world knocking down anyone in their way. I usually feel sorry for folks like this but today I’m not. Today I really dislike them. Today I’d bitch slap them into tomorrow and add in an uppercut to get my point across.

That’s why I”m so angry that she has gotten this plague. With all the nasty in the world, someone who is as good as her should never, ever have to go through something like this. I would trade places with her in a minute if I could. Not because I’m some kind of self-sacrificing martyr or I want to leave this earth anytime soon but I’d have a big support system and I am afraid she won’t ask for any help-even if she needs it. But she’s a strong lady and I know that of anyone she will  come out on the other end in tact. At times like these it’s natural to look back on your life and question your decisions, your trust, whether or not you were making things up in your head. I wonder if my memory is as clear of what’s happened in my life or I was just fooling myself about people, places and experiences. I’ve questioned the good things in my life as well. Were things as awesome as I remember or was it wishful thinking. Did I put trust in the wrong things. I hate to lose, I mean really, really hate it. When I lose it tends to eat away at me, sometimes for a short bit, sometimes forever. I don’t fight it anymore…it is what it is…I’ve never let anyone intimidate me, tell me what I can or can’t do. What I will or won’t do. It merely keeps me going when that shit happens.

But in the grand scheme of life, her situation puts some things in perspective and I realize how lucky I’ve been and still am.

About the only thing I want now is  a gift certificate to a SPA. That would make my day…lol..Once I was told I was getting a gift card to one for my birthday but like all the other sweet things they told me, it was nothing but a big fat lie. It still makes me upset that I played the absolute fool. The one thing I’ve always hated. Knowing that everything during that time was nothing more than a game or a joke and I fell for it all. Believing without a doubt that what they were saying was the truth. I should have known better and it still stings to this day and once in awhile I still shed a few tears for being such an idiot for believing some pretty words when they never meant one word. And really feeling like a fool is a hard thing to let go of and even harder to forget. If only there had been a sliver of truth concerning that time it would get easier, less hurtful. At the very least I could learn to trust people again instead of wondering if what they’re saying to me has any truth to it. It’s a reality I could have done without. Worst of all it went for several years but as with most things it is what it is. They’d rather be thought of as the victim of life now and I suppose if I were in their place, I might do the same thing. I don’t know the whole deal makes me want to vomit and completely erase my memories instead of them creeping up on me on days like today…It just really fucking sucks to be the joke.


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