An Evening to myself.

DH & the twins left this morning for Lake Michigan and Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp. This is their 3rd year and it’s 12 glorious days with no phone, pc, tablet or t.v. They love this place. Usually I always go with them the night before but this year I can’t. Because of the store it’s just not possible to take the time off.

Even though they are 15, in my eyes they are still  my babies. I know they will have a ton of fun and meet all kinds of new friends from all  over the world. While they are twins they have completely different personalities. I learned from my sister-in-law who had a set of girls 4 yrs before my boy & girl. She told me to make sure I didn’t put them into the same classes, dress them alike or force them to play with the same kids.

I always kept in mind to encourage their individual interests and have their own friends. Of course they share things in common. They are twins, they are close and even though the majority of the time they are arguing, they always need each other. Luckily they indeed to have their “own” things. No one calls them the “twins” any longer. Now they are C & S…related but very separate people.

I know as a parent I want both my kids to have the same of everything. Same love for things, same circle of friends…it’s easier to keep up with them versus them having everything their own. But man is it worth it. My kids are treated as though they were merely brother and sister and not something more. They’ve turned out to be two very strong kids. They each have their own set of values and what they consider important ( and most of the time it’s exactly the opposite of each other) They do not follow the crowd, they do not allow anyone to bully them and most of all they are two of the coolest kids around. I’m taking my youngest son to the WARP tour, it’s his first concert and I can’t wait to share that with him like I did his older brother.

But for tonight I will be by myself for the first time in two years. It’s a little freaky but I’m sure I will find a way to muddle through….lol…

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Another step…..

   I took another step in the right direction this morning. This is something I should have done a very, very,very long time ago. I suppose I liked punishing myself.

The reason why I did what I did, simple if you go looking for something, you may not like what you see- no matter how pretty it may be. Although I’ll admit, I have a little pit in my tummy- in the end I made the right choice.

NICE

A month ago I cleaned out my closet. It was a big step for me because I finally tossed out the last remnants of my “dark” time into the trash. I’d worn a bunch of maxi dresses and scrubs during the shit storm in my life. We’re always afraid to let go of that one last piece, of certain times in our life but this had to be done. By keeping something that held such bad memories in my home, I would get caught off guard by flashes of things I wanted to never remember.

I scooped every last dress and the shoes that I wore with them and chucked them in one throw. Shutting the lid and breathing a sigh of relief was easier than I imagined. The dresses were noting more than a symbol of what I never wanted to be again and that list was wrong.  At the top of that list was ‘trying to be something I’m not’ and never will be.

The only word I can come up with is nice. I don’t mean being a kind and pleasant to people. Everyone should be that. No I mean “Nice, Vanilla, Proper etc…in others words boring beyond all thinking, soulless and empty.”

I think it’s great if you want to live this kind of life. It probably fits your personality and you’re very satisfied and fulfilled with how you live. For ME, I just don’t’ fit in with NICE.  I’ve tried and I feel fake, antsy and I usually want to be anywhere but where I am.

I may not understand others who live there life in the nice zone but whatever gets you through the day, I say.

What does piss me off is the “Nice, Moral”, types who are the most sadistic, hypocrites in the world. Who love to sit back and judge everything about others and never take a look in the mirror.

If you come from a southern family you understand what the phrase “Bless your heart” means. Hint- It’s not a compliment nor is anyone really blessing you. They are giving you a scathing condemnation with a smile and sing-song lilt in their voice.  I’ve seen people who been told this light up as though they were happy to have such a NICE thing said about them. If they only knew what that nice person said the minute they left the room.

Because, I now refuse to live my life for others, because I’ve taken control of me and because I will always work to be a good person, a loving person and hopefully a truly kind person, the last thing I want to be thought of as simply nice.

Nice is one-dimensional, no substance, no filler, no real deep down and dirty emotions to get tangled up in.

I want to think, to feel, to be more passionate, more alive with every passing day. My life has changed in such a miraculous way since buying the store. Since making the commitment to myself and my life. I’m a better mother, lover, friend, daughter and sister than I ever previously was in any time in my life.  My sense of freedom and independence increases. Fills me up. Awakens things in me I thought long dead. Everyday there is something new I discover about myself and I feel so fucking lucky to wake up every morning.

Where I’ve landed has shown me the truly important things in life. Laughing, joking, making love, writing, feeling good and never making apologies for who I am.  Even the quiet moments are exciting because I no longer reach back in time to remember good or bad. Instead I’ve been making new memories, reaching new goals, finding real happiness and grateful that my life has gone the way it has, without it I wouldn’t have what I now have. Without it I would be so fucking content. Without it I wouldn’t know what real love and passion is. Without the pain I wouldn’t now have all the pleasure.

I can almost…almost say thank you to the worst days of my life for showing me all the beauty that surrounds me now. It’s a gift and I’m greedy to enjoy it. It’s as close to perfect as things can be….and even though I can’t share it with everyone, I can feel like I am…in some small way….Though words are easy to say, I’ve never been good at B.S.ing myself and others. I think I’m the worlds worst liar and avoid it at all costs because lying only comes back to bite you in the ass in the end. I’d rather take my lumps and get it over with if I’ve done something I’ve regretted. In this moment (and who knows it could very well change in the future) I regret nothing because without it, I would never have found my strength and my fight again. I wouldn’t  have learned to live life the way I wanted to live. That I deserve happiness and only want those I love to be happy. Of course, my goodwill ends when you try to fuck with me but most people are smart enough not to give it a go and I’m okay with that.

It’s another gorgeous day here is Michigan and tomorrow my twins are leaving for 12 days to go to band camp. I will actually have a day with no one but me and the dogs at home after I get off work and I’m looking forward to the quiet. I’m sure I will find something to keep me busy.

Have a wonderful day……

 

Shark attacks…again?

Holy hellfire…..I woke up this morning to the news that there were 2 shark attacks yesterday. One on N.Carolina and one in S. Carolina. All of these attacks have happened in waste deep water and now people are being told to stay out of the water!

What is happening now should be concerning. The question needs to be asked- Why are these sharks coming in so close to the shore?

We need to look at what we.re doing to the ocean and how we’ve fucked them up with everything that we do from dumping to illegal hunting. Feeding chum into the water as we fish off piers.

Mother nature eventually fights back when we are neglecting her. This summer she’s pissed. Our over consumption of everything from gas, to garbage, We’ve encroached on nature, bulldozing beautiful areas so that we can live in huge homes, leaving wild life with less and less  habitat and then we become shocked when nature bites back.

I’m always puzzled when people demand these animals be hunted and destroyed. What do we really expect when we take over the places that used to belong to animals? I know there are some who feel that as the superior predator on the planet we can do anything we want but keep in mind that the earth will not go quietly and will get her revenge. All the major weather events that have been taking place over the last few years should be warning enough but it’s not.

Human’s are so wrapped up in their own little world they refuse to see beyond whats happening in their own backyard.

If we continue to consume, consume, consume we will continue to see things like this happening everywhere and when we finally accept the science of what our folly has produced, it may be too late. We worry about the kind of national debt will be around for our kids. I can’t see them complaining about it when the time comes where they can’t go anywhere without worrying about whether, sun damage or animals fighting for their territory.

Please keep cutting down forests for your golf courses. Damn up water. Using as many electrical appliances as possible. Continue not to recycle or up cycle and letting your garbage get buried so all the chemical scan go into the ground and eventually the water supply. Just because you drink your water from a bottle doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be worried about our water supply, clean water sources etc…Watch as the rising oceans starts wiping out coastline across the world.

I’m not a “The Sky Is Falling” type of person but when the facts are telling the story and we continue to refuse to believe the science, it’s our children and our children’s, children who will suffer the Real consequences of our selfish, self-centered view of the world and nature. We consume more than we produce. Some people still have a tom of kids which only adds to more consuming. It’s a vicious circle and my generation has dropped the ball when it comes to the environment.

It really sucks that people have been harmed by sharks but we are supposed to at least be smart and able to understand the consequences of our choices. Yet we blindly call them aberrations. It’s only been 6 people who’ve been attacked. Yet is 6 people up and down the coat of 2 different states.Will it start happening in Florida or on the west coast? Who knows but it’s something that everyone should be concerned about.

The World is not Ending!!!

Oh my word…First, I wanted to complain just a little about the humidity we are having today. Anything over 60% sucks so while it’s only 75 out, the moisture in the air in the air is oppressive, and sticky. I could never move to Florida, I would never be happy about the humidity. I have a leg that swells and my hips hurt sooo much when it gets like this. Guess I’ll be looking to retire in AZ….lol

Now the end of the world part. In a matter of 2 days the Supreme Court has changed the look of the land by upholding the healthcare and ensuring 6 MILLION people don’t lose their benefits. Before you feel the need to blast me, let me just say I realize it’s far from perfect but for those 6 Million folks it’s working.

The second is the decision concerning gay marriage. Finally they are equaling protected by the bond of marriage afforded to everyone else. They are finally getting the protections of spouses and their kids they deserve.

I don’t like extremism. In any religion, in any political party….in most things. Everyone has the right to believe what they choose to believe. But from the coverage today, you would think the sky had opened up and we’re about to have 7 plagues released upon on all.

Yesterday, I thought Ted Cruz was going to have a stroke. Right now I can only imagine what he did upon hearing the court’s decision. I could see him turn red, kick over the garbage can, do a little stomp, all the while a litany of cuss words flowing not stop.

Now there are groups stating that Christians are being persecuted. Persecuted…really….The last time I looked there were no people strapped to crosses or throngs being thrown in with a pride of lions. If you’re talking about those who live in other countries I’m all with you. But to turn in win for equal rights into some kind of persecution makes me want to botch slap you into tomorrow.

I’ve never understood the hypercritical stance in religion. For hundreds of years clergy men had secret wives, mistresses, and bastard children. Those women were forced to live with the secrets and had no protection. How the hell can you go up against a religion. I’ve sat next to people at church and listen as they talk about this woman or that man. Who’s being unfaithful. Who’s a cold-hearted fish. Who’s kids are getting into trouble. I can’t deal with the adage “Do as I say not as I do.”

Or the I’m a sinner, I suck and deserve everything that happens to me because I don’t worship the way they want me to. I don’t do that type of philosophy. Women have been subjugated throughout the holy book. I don’t think people even realize how many times the bible has been added  and subtracted to. The big enclave that happened hundreds of years ago where a room full of scholars and theologians decided what books were going to be in the Bible and not accepted what they didn’t like. How Kings world-wide would edit out or changed what they wanted in order to fit with their belief system.

It’s a way to control the mob- The roman’s were superb at doing this. They knew a peaceful society, a docile people united under a single system would be easier to control and easier to single out the rebels who wanted something more for the people.

I think the division is worse than ever before. I think the rich on both sides are out of fucking control. They spends millions and millions of dollars seducing the public to their side. It doesn’t matter if the facts aren’t there or embellished. We’ve become a country bought and sold by lobbyists and million and billionaires who have no clear idea what it means to live paycheck to paycheck.

Yesterday and today the affluent lost and I’m smiling ear to ear. I’m also taking a sadistic kind of joy watching the extremists lose their mind.

I know it’s beneath me but I’m going to enjoy this moment. History has been made and I never thought I’d live to see the day when my loved ones can marry in any state.

Promotions

Hello my fellow authors. I purchased an independent bookstore back in April. I have a monthly book club and my customer base is pretty large. Tastes run along the spectrum.

If you’re interested in sending promotional items or anything my customers really enjoy getting the bookmarks and promo stuff. Monthly, I give a basket filled with books and fun stuff.

I also host book signings. My first will be July 25th with H.A Fortman, Trinity Bilacio and Tianna Xander. Melissa Schroeder is coming this October. I’m so happy to have these talented writers making a visit to Michigan.

My store’s address is – Paperbacks & Things                                             My email addy is kelliradtke@att.net, if you have any questions or phone at 734-522-8018

8027 N. Wayne Rd.

Westland, Mi 48185
Thanks all,

Sierra

 

Almost there!

I’ve been seeing the fruits of my promise to change the way I think, the way I react to things and so on. Not that everything is perfect- I mean whose life really is.

Sometimes I fail, but I pick myself up and try again. The longer I go the easier it has become. So the good days are far outweighing the bad. The only thing left is to actually finish a story, any story but my frustration keeps growing. which in turn pushes me further away from my goal.

I keep asking myself what is the problem? What’s changed in you? It’s excruciating at times and pisses me off the rest of it. At this point I’ve discovered that I’m not believing what I’m writing. Whenever I write romance, I have to believe these two can’t live without each other- now make it happen!

I do okay for a while until I have to write a love scene. For me, it’s important to portray not only the physical but the emotional bond as well. It’s showing not telling and if I’m not feeling it, I’m not writing it.

I’m trying not to over analyze why I feel the way I do. I’m accepting the fact that right now this is the way I feel, but I know it will come again. There’s enough stored in me to write non-stop for the next 5 yrs…And I will break through this last barrier. For know I will consider this a test. To prove that I won’t do the stupid things that I do to self-sabotage. I still fight like hell to push aside the excuses and deal with whatever I’m feeling at the time.

For now I will finish my edits for my upcoming Ellora’s Cave release ( I wrote the damn thing 3 years ago) and continue to try to get over this last little bump.

My list of things I’m learning to live by. I keep them simple.

1. I don’t do what I don’t want to do. For too long I did what I didn’t want to in order to satisfy someone else’s demands. I deserve to be happy about what I do. I won’t do anything, or be around anyone who makes me uncomfortable.

2. Forgive…forgive…forgive- Everyday if you have to. Just forgive.

3. Laugh…laugh…laugh – As much as you can. I surround myself with people who make me laugh and smile.

4. Avoid the drama – We’ll never get rid of it totally. I was an expert at drama, taking everything to heart. Looking for some hidden meaning in something where there is none. Unreasonable expectations from other people instead of concentrating on me. With the exception of my major PMS week (all my people are aware of this and handle me accordingly. ) I’ve become better equipped to deal with my lapses.

5. I can only control me…trying to control another person’s behavior is futile. Not all people dance to the expectations of others, including me.

6. Do what makes me happy…Yolo…isn’t that what the kids are all saying now. It’s true. I only get one go around and as I near my half-way point I’m not going to spend my time doing something I don’t like, doesn’t make me happy. Doesn’t satisfy me etc…

7. The good ole standard The Golden Rule – Everyday, I try to treat everyone I come across the way that I want to be treated. I try to leave judgement at the door. _this is harder than you think—

8. Draw your support from those friends who love you, the good, the bad & the fucked up. It’s not a matter of needing my ego fed. It’s more like “Your writing DOESN’T suck.” I admit it, I need to hear that my writing doesn’t blow. I need people to bounce ideas off of, who hold my feet to the fire and will ask me several times a week if I’ve written anything more. They remind me to not live in my head and instead get it all out, down on paper and be in control of every word. I also can’t expect others to understand why this has happened. Blame it on something, anyone because I can shove it to the side. Learning to try to trust myself and my judgement has been especially difficult. I’m slowly getting past the way I used to do things.

These are it. The things I work on everyday. I think everyone’s list would be unique and would reflect own needs. I know the words will come. I hope it’s sooner rather than later but they will come and then watch out….lol…

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