Happy Father’s Day

  Woke up in one of those moods. It’s been a really long time since I’ve had this particular one and it truly SUCKS! Then I remember the time of year and the only thing I can think of is FUCK!!! not again. My stomach knotted, my chest tightened and I fought off the stupid tears that still happen. It’s been long enough that I should enjoy the beginning of summer, and father’s day. It’s a reminder of a gift I’d given someone in show of support. Something given to me by a family member and when I had opportunity to get it back, I didn’t. I know it was thrown away and that’s what is getting to me today. That I gave up something very meaningful to me and it was probably trashed at the first chance.

I only want to not have to deal with this every June. I want it to be just another month, like every other month is. I don’t want to feel this way to the point that I’m sick to my stomach. I want to be angry and I want to hate and wish bad things on people but I can’t even muster enough anger to do that. All anger stems from pain, hurt that you can’t express in other ways. I’m just so tired of this….and am too exhausted to process this as some kind of lesson or reminder of what I shouldn’t have done- give that gift. The one and only but it held more than anyone knows.

I wish I’d never had to experience this kind of thing in my life. I wish I could say it wasn’t worth it and on most days I believe the lie I tell myself…I’m over it for good…yeah I wish…God knows I hope for it. I will always miss the laughter.

Happy Father’s Day!!!

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