Almost there!

I’ve been seeing the fruits of my promise to change the way I think, the way I react to things and so on. Not that everything is perfect- I mean whose life really is.

Sometimes I fail, but I pick myself up and try again. The longer I go the easier it has become. So the good days are far outweighing the bad. The only thing left is to actually finish a story, any story but my frustration keeps growing. which in turn pushes me further away from my goal.

I keep asking myself what is the problem? What’s changed in you? It’s excruciating at times and pisses me off the rest of it. At this point I’ve discovered that I’m not believing what I’m writing. Whenever I write romance, I have to believe these two can’t live without each other- now make it happen!

I do okay for a while until I have to write a love scene. For me, it’s important to portray not only the physical but the emotional bond as well. It’s showing not telling and if I’m not feeling it, I’m not writing it.

I’m trying not to over analyze why I feel the way I do. I’m accepting the fact that right now this is the way I feel, but I know it will come again. There’s enough stored in me to write non-stop for the next 5 yrs…And I will break through this last barrier. For know I will consider this a test. To prove that I won’t do the stupid things that I do to self-sabotage. I still fight like hell to push aside the excuses and deal with whatever I’m feeling at the time.

For now I will finish my edits for my upcoming Ellora’s Cave release ( I wrote the damn thing 3 years ago) and continue to try to get over this last little bump.

My list of things I’m learning to live by. I keep them simple.

1. I don’t do what I don’t want to do. For too long I did what I didn’t want to in order to satisfy someone else’s demands. I deserve to be happy about what I do. I won’t do anything, or be around anyone who makes me uncomfortable.

2. Forgive…forgive…forgive- Everyday if you have to. Just forgive.

3. Laugh…laugh…laugh – As much as you can. I surround myself with people who make me laugh and smile.

4. Avoid the drama – We’ll never get rid of it totally. I was an expert at drama, taking everything to heart. Looking for some hidden meaning in something where there is none. Unreasonable expectations from other people instead of concentrating on me. With the exception of my major PMS week (all my people are aware of this and handle me accordingly. ) I’ve become better equipped to deal with my lapses.

5. I can only control me…trying to control another person’s behavior is futile. Not all people dance to the expectations of others, including me.

6. Do what makes me happy…Yolo…isn’t that what the kids are all saying now. It’s true. I only get one go around and as I near my half-way point I’m not going to spend my time doing something I don’t like, doesn’t make me happy. Doesn’t satisfy me etc…

7. The good ole standard The Golden Rule – Everyday, I try to treat everyone I come across the way that I want to be treated. I try to leave judgement at the door. _this is harder than you think—

8. Draw your support from those friends who love you, the good, the bad & the fucked up. It’s not a matter of needing my ego fed. It’s more like “Your writing DOESN’T suck.” I admit it, I need to hear that my writing doesn’t blow. I need people to bounce ideas off of, who hold my feet to the fire and will ask me several times a week if I’ve written anything more. They remind me to not live in my head and instead get it all out, down on paper and be in control of every word. I also can’t expect others to understand why this has happened. Blame it on something, anyone because I can shove it to the side. Learning to try to trust myself and my judgement has been especially difficult. I’m slowly getting past the way I used to do things.

These are it. The things I work on everyday. I think everyone’s list would be unique and would reflect own needs. I know the words will come. I hope it’s sooner rather than later but they will come and then watch out….lol…

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