NICE

A month ago I cleaned out my closet. It was a big step for me because I finally tossed out the last remnants of my “dark” time into the trash. I’d worn a bunch of maxi dresses and scrubs during the shit storm in my life. We’re always afraid to let go of that one last piece, of certain times in our life but this had to be done. By keeping something that held such bad memories in my home, I would get caught off guard by flashes of things I wanted to never remember.

I scooped every last dress and the shoes that I wore with them and chucked them in one throw. Shutting the lid and breathing a sigh of relief was easier than I imagined. The dresses were noting more than a symbol of what I never wanted to be again and that list was wrong.  At the top of that list was ‘trying to be something I’m not’ and never will be.

The only word I can come up with is nice. I don’t mean being a kind and pleasant to people. Everyone should be that. No I mean “Nice, Vanilla, Proper etc…in others words boring beyond all thinking, soulless and empty.”

I think it’s great if you want to live this kind of life. It probably fits your personality and you’re very satisfied and fulfilled with how you live. For ME, I just don’t’ fit in with NICE.  I’ve tried and I feel fake, antsy and I usually want to be anywhere but where I am.

I may not understand others who live there life in the nice zone but whatever gets you through the day, I say.

What does piss me off is the “Nice, Moral”, types who are the most sadistic, hypocrites in the world. Who love to sit back and judge everything about others and never take a look in the mirror.

If you come from a southern family you understand what the phrase “Bless your heart” means. Hint- It’s not a compliment nor is anyone really blessing you. They are giving you a scathing condemnation with a smile and sing-song lilt in their voice.  I’ve seen people who been told this light up as though they were happy to have such a NICE thing said about them. If they only knew what that nice person said the minute they left the room.

Because, I now refuse to live my life for others, because I’ve taken control of me and because I will always work to be a good person, a loving person and hopefully a truly kind person, the last thing I want to be thought of as simply nice.

Nice is one-dimensional, no substance, no filler, no real deep down and dirty emotions to get tangled up in.

I want to think, to feel, to be more passionate, more alive with every passing day. My life has changed in such a miraculous way since buying the store. Since making the commitment to myself and my life. I’m a better mother, lover, friend, daughter and sister than I ever previously was in any time in my life.  My sense of freedom and independence increases. Fills me up. Awakens things in me I thought long dead. Everyday there is something new I discover about myself and I feel so fucking lucky to wake up every morning.

Where I’ve landed has shown me the truly important things in life. Laughing, joking, making love, writing, feeling good and never making apologies for who I am.  Even the quiet moments are exciting because I no longer reach back in time to remember good or bad. Instead I’ve been making new memories, reaching new goals, finding real happiness and grateful that my life has gone the way it has, without it I wouldn’t have what I now have. Without it I would be so fucking content. Without it I wouldn’t know what real love and passion is. Without the pain I wouldn’t now have all the pleasure.

I can almost…almost say thank you to the worst days of my life for showing me all the beauty that surrounds me now. It’s a gift and I’m greedy to enjoy it. It’s as close to perfect as things can be….and even though I can’t share it with everyone, I can feel like I am…in some small way….Though words are easy to say, I’ve never been good at B.S.ing myself and others. I think I’m the worlds worst liar and avoid it at all costs because lying only comes back to bite you in the ass in the end. I’d rather take my lumps and get it over with if I’ve done something I’ve regretted. In this moment (and who knows it could very well change in the future) I regret nothing because without it, I would never have found my strength and my fight again. I wouldn’t  have learned to live life the way I wanted to live. That I deserve happiness and only want those I love to be happy. Of course, my goodwill ends when you try to fuck with me but most people are smart enough not to give it a go and I’m okay with that.

It’s another gorgeous day here is Michigan and tomorrow my twins are leaving for 12 days to go to band camp. I will actually have a day with no one but me and the dogs at home after I get off work and I’m looking forward to the quiet. I’m sure I will find something to keep me busy.

Have a wonderful day……

 

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