Lucky

Today, I woke up with the song Amazing by One Eskimo in my head. After my mood yesterday I was worried I was going to be in a dark mood for a few days. By the time I got home from the store yesterday, the bad mojo was over.

Purchasing the book store has helped completely change my life and in such an awesome fucking way. Yeah, it’s scary trying to carve out a name for yourself with a small business but it’s slowly coming along.

I’ve learned that rushing to make things happen never turns out the way you imagined. So taking my time and going slow has been a real eye opener. Having my “own” thing has given me that last little push I needed to come full circle in my life.

I keep saying I’m happy and for the first time in my life, I’m not waiting for everything around me to fall down. In general I’m a nice person. Granted I don’t always behave well when I feel like my world is falling apart but that has been a non-issue for a long time now. I like myself a hell of a lot better than I ever have.

In turn I always treat other people the way I want to be treated. I try not to linger on the things I don’t have. If I don’t have it then it’s not really that important to me.

I think I’ve learned what is really important to me. What makes me a better person. I feel needed. I feel like I count for something. I feel at peace. I know I talk about this a lot but I promised I would talk about my gratitude. I made things really difficult on myself for many, many, many years. Instead of embracing all that I am, the good and the bad. Previously I would only remember my B.S. I would refuse to forgive and I drove myself crazy wondering if others were miserable even hoping for them to be miserable.

Whether you’re trying to manipulate or be manipulated in your life, you always make a decision to either give in to it or remove yourself from the situation.

Today, I remove myself. I don’t engage in things that are bad for me, bad for my heart and soul. I avoid things that bring out the ugly and do my best to banish those thoughts that rarely leave you. For now the fact that I can ignore them 99% of the time is a success for me.

Despite the normal aches and pains, I feel fucking incredible. I’m in the best physical and emotional state I’ve ever been in. I’ve only been sick once in a year. I don’t sit for hours on end. I used to have shit go wrong with me all the time. Illness, body aches and pains go hand in hand when you’re unhappy. Your mind may not acknowledge it but your body still feels the stress and unhappiness and acts accordingly.

I’ve seen so many people in my life who are sick and sick a lot. Who are tired all the time. Who prefer not to spend time with anyone and who get lost in television or lost in thought.

I’ve been there. Not paying attention to where you are and preferring to remember other times other places, other mistakes that you try to fix in your head. It never really does a lot of good to relive those times.

I still have to push negative thoughts out-of-the-way, all the time. It can be hard but I’m slowly forgiving my past. Forgiving myself and forgiving others.

We do some really shitty things when we are running on self-preservation mode. We make stupid life changing choices that we end up paying for at some point in our life.

This is something I will have to deal with, probably until the day until I die as I imagine it is the same way for most people (unless you’re a psychopath, they have no feelings beyond their own)

So, again I say I’m lucky. I’m no longer hemmed in, inhibited, bound by who I used to be. By that I mean all the negative, angry, and bitchy attitudes I proudly wore like armor. Some times the worst thing you can do to yourself is to pull away from those you love. Even if you think you’re doing it to save yourself.

There was no one better at self-sabotage then me. Whenever my life got too intense. Whenever I felt too out of control, I would push and push and push until shit would hit the fan and that allowed me to sit back and say that I knew it all along.

I’ve been mean, vindictive and everything else that a person can be and asking myself the entire time why am I acting in such a terrible way. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says or does. It doesn’t matter how crappy people like making you feel. It doesn’t matter that your secrets, your dreams or how you see life is totally blown out of the water. It doesn’t matter if things you held as sacred to you were rattled off to others like a laundry list.

When someone cuts you deep, you want to return the pleasure. When you get gut punched you want to reflect that back. It isn’t worth it. Allowing yourself to behave in the very ways you hate, hurts no one but yourself.

Finding your happiness, and self-worth in something that is yours has been as close to a miracle as I’ve ever been. I fell into a bad life story. Caught up in a drama that I should have shut down immediately but I wasn’t smart enough to see it for what it was.

I’ve bitched about not wanting to learn a lesson but in the end I’m glad I did. I learned that holding onto hate and bitterness, resentment and victim hood only hurt me. I never want to be a person like that again. EVER….it’s takes the best of who you are and it sucks getting it back but getting it back is one of the sweetest gifts I’ve ever gotten. I’ve also learned that hating things hurts no one but yourself. And as everyday comes and goes, I’ve realized that there will always be things I don’t like or that don’t make me feel good but the love I have for the people in my life will never change, will never go away and will always make me smile.

My advice to myself is simple. Forgive, forgive, forgive – Even if your really don’t want to—and love, love, love…don’t ever let those feelings die in you. Learn to have empathy, learn to never settle, smile and laugh often.

Yesterday started out sucky but it did get better. Today is even better because I’m not dwelling. I’m recognizing when I’m in one of those moods and I’m not taking them out on others. I have a couple of close friends I can talk about this stuff with and that is really important. Being able to talk with people who are directly involved in your day-to-day life is such a  great outlet.

I’ve always believed that friendships are such an important part of your life. I did have a period of my life early in my marriage where I didn’t really have any close friends but it takes such a tole on you personally. I needed them in my life if for nothing more than to just talk. To feel normal, to feel like I had someone on my side and to point out when I’m being an ass or being destructive. My friends keep me true to myself. Friends are different than family. Friends are in your life because they want to be not because they’re related to you. I’m also not talking about the neighbors down the street who you barbecue with and exchange bragging rights with.

I’m referring to the people who love you for you and who can talk you down when you need it or talk you up when you need it. Who you can vent to when you’re frustrated and who will lend an ear when your life is not what you want it to be.

I know that I’m so fucking glad I’m at where I’m at. That my life worked out the way it has so that I could buy my bookstore and finally get back on the writing bus. I always want to keep in mind how I don’t want to act and who I never want to behave like. I’ve found my bliss…well at least one of them…I know there are more to be had and I look forward to discovering each and every one of them and indulge in all the wonderful things they may bring.

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