Lessons in 2015

This year when I decided that I needed to change some things about me, I would never have guessed I would have been able to get past some shitty stuff that happened behind my back.

At this point, I should know better than to trust everything people do and say. Things over the years should have prepared me when the worst in someone comes out. I’ve been in those shoes and really try to understand and have some modicum of sympathy.

I think the reason I still get hung up when someone new pulls a 180 is that I really have a hard time understanding how people can lie without even blinking. The lies roll of their tongue like butter. I don’t understand it. Do they feel any spark of guilt or do they just go on survival mode and do and say whatever needs to be said so that they come out on top or as the victim or whatever else their reasons may be.

Why do I feel really sorry for them? Because I’ve been there and I’ve learned that is no way too live.

I’ve always been a sucky liar and I suppose that’s a good thing. I end up taking my lumps and learn something from it.

These kind of lessons blow, and blow bad. Only because you can no longer look at any person without the “how could you be such a good liar?” pop into my head.

On most days I generally look past it. People are who they are and if they can sleep at night who am I too point out why they shouldn’t. I’m not the morality police.

When my incident happened earlier this year, I was mad for a day or so and then I let it be. There was nothing I could do about the choice they made. What I could control is my behavior and I made damn sure that I didn’t go off the rails. I accepted what happened for what it was and moved on. Granted without the person in my life but it was a much-needed step..

Learning to let go and move on used to be a hell of a lot more difficult for me than it is now. As I get older and go through life, I like things not being complicated. I like things easy and not emotionally taxing. I like having a very simple life and not being in competition with anyone for anything.

There is no greater way to live then to be at peace. Choosing honesty, love and friendship over anything else. Simple, easy and not worrying about what anyone else does, has or is doing.

I’ve been given a few gifts this year and I’m enjoying them. Even though there was a bump in the road from the very last place I expected, I’ve moved beyond it. And I can now say that I’m sympathetic to what went down.

Yes, I still look at people and wonder if what they’ve just told me was a huge whopper. I doubt that will change much over time. I’ll always be a little wary about whether people are honest or not. It’s part of me now. I just don’t let it rule my head or my heart. I don’t give the power over to someone else and what they may have done to me.

When you try to keep score, you’re the one who loses. When you are tempted to give pay back keep in mind that it can change who you are. It can fill you up with pain and anger or it can make you throw up your arms and say this is the way things are and there is nothing I can do about it.

True, you can’t do anything about what other people do or say. You can control your own behavior. You can choose love and forgiveness over hate and anger. It’s NOT an easy thing to do. Not easy to get past. But, it can free you from the burden of asking why? Why anyone would ever do or say or behave in ways that are a direct hit on your heart?

You will never understand why. Never. So wasting your energy on trying to get satisfactory explanations just won’t happen. We choose whether or not we hurt someone. We choose to lie. We choose to bring harm.

I gave my apologies for being a bitch and now when I go to bed, my shit doesn’t haunt me. I’ve tried to push away the truth about certain things in my world. And it’s hard on the ego, but once you accept your behavior, once you’ve come to grips and face those you’ve brought untold hurt to, then and only then can you start to rebuild yourself. Often times we simply put a band-aid on our b.s. We feel great for a while but inevitably it does catch up to us. By admitting to yourself that things in your world aren’t nearly as wonderful as you once thought or that you can’t think about those things any longer and push them down until the day it explodes and generally in a really destructive way.

2015 has tested my resolve. I haven’t always won the battle inside of me but I’m better. I don’t put my happiness or self-worth in another person- be it friends or family. I will never give the power to bring me harm over to another individual.

I’ve had a family member tell me that I’m cold- emotionless. I’m none of those things. What is different is that I had to work through emotional upheaval that landed me in the hospital twice, I was very much alone there. The only choice I had , was to get my shit together. Yeah it’s taken a while and yes I do slip but I can usually pull myself out of the situation.

It used to be difficult to move beyond any B.S that comes my way but I’ve been able to do it this year. I can smile and laugh and enjoy the company of others.

Will I hold a part of myself back? definitely but I’m good with that. I’m at peace with my decisions about my life now. It gave me the ability to move beyond the blip that flew out of left field this year and that’s always a good thing.

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