Thankful and What I can do Without


Clarity and Time- I think most things improve with those two things.

My new reading glasses- Yes I’ve reached that point in my life where I need them to see the small print.

The Pope – I dig someone who talks instead of trying to humiliate, or use guilt to hammer home their point.

What I can do Without

No one in my home except me makes sure the towels on the towel rack are kept neat…I mean really it takes 2 seconds.

Not rinsing out the bathroom sink after you brush your teeth, shave or wash your face. Okay this may actually take 30 seconds to rinse it and wipe it out.

Leaving dishes in the room or when the kids leave glasses everywhere and not putting them in the dishwasher. I’ve told them until I’m blue in the face and they understand that they better take care of it.

So that’s it. The sum total of what is on my mind this morning…pretty damn boring I know but it’s all good.


Summers End

Summer is over. I used to get really bummed at the prospect of fall, only because winter is on our doorstep. I don’t mind the snow, I just hate it when it gets bitter cold. Hopefully we won’t experience that very much as the months grow colder. I still love seeing the leaves change and we are close to October ( my favorite month ).

There were some challenging days this summer but I managed to fumble my way through it and I’m grateful. Another chapter has begun and it’s starting out pretty damn great. So many wonderful and unexpected things have come my way.

What I’ve come to learn is that my life is now in such a wonderful place not in spite of the dark times a few years ago but because of those times. I’ve learned how to take care of myself and in turn have become a much better person for it. I try to look for the good in people. I try not to judge. And I live to laugh and enjoy my life every single day. When you find yourself in the bottom of a seemingly endless pit, it is possible to climb your way out and become stronger because of it.

There’s nothing better than to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and not hate what you see. It can be challenging not to fall into old patterns of self-destruction. I do falter, there are times when I don’t think I deserve the awesome things I have in my life. There are times when I wish I could share my story, not to gather sympathy but as a cautionary tale. To show people how it’s possible to break from the things that bring nothing but harm. To tell women that they are worthy and good and there are times when it’s not your fault.

If we allow our bad experiences to hold us down, we are the only ones who suffer. Discovering what makes you happy, what give you bliss and what is really important. I no longer have to play the chess game of what will make me happy. I don’t have to lie, cheat or steal. I only have to look around at what I have and enjoy. The work is worth it. Even when I get home and I ache from head to toe after a long day at my store, I’m still thankful and happy.

I give all the credit to the “Rocks” in my life. Those that helped pull me out of my own head and propped me up until I could walk on my own two feet again. My family, friends and my kids who love me whether I have a bad day, week, month or in my case a few years. A therapist who essentially told me to “Knock it off and start living my life.”

Forgiveness and love go a long way in turning yourself around. Finding the tricks to keep you from re-treading old bullshit.  And realizing that your life is full and you are a better person for it. If I hadn’t hit rock bottom, I never would have found my true strength and determination not sit back and say “Well this is my life.” I won’t settle anymore for things when I know there are better things to come-I just have to be patient.

Being kind fills you with kindness. Giving love fills you with love. Forgiving others help you forgive yourself. When you look at others with compassion and empathy you realize that no one is worth hate. No situation can hold you back. Nothing can take away your ability to rise every morning unless you allow it to.

There will always be people who don’t care. Who barrel through life with the motto of “What will make my life easy.” I’ve learned to feel real sadness for them because I was once in that same position. But when you’re forced to realize that things/people aren’t worth your own destruction and as long as you live your truth and not deny it, you’ll be okay.

There will always be things that will never change. Deep rooted emotions that will never die. The good news is that they will fade into the background. Their hold on you will slowly ebb. Yes, every now and than they may pop up, they may haunt you for a bit but soon you’ll find that years of regret and hurt will turn to months, then days, then hours and then minutes. They can become nothing more than a flicker that you can snuff out and get on with your day.

It takes work. You have to stop asking why and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You have to realize what you do have is a gift. That everyday is a new promise of what can be. Even in moments of weakness, you’ll be able to pull yourself out of your own head and keep moving forward and too never, ever settle for anything.

In the grand scheme of life I have everything I need. I have my store, my family. I have 3 awesome, wonderful and kind kids. I have a supportive family and a wonderful close-knit group of friends who’ve been with me for over 25 yrs. Compared to a lot of people, I am richer and happier and most of all satisfied. And when the pangs of my past read their ugly head, The happiness I now have is more important than ever.

As the Beatles said. “It’s not the love you get but the love you give.” And when you reach that moment in your life when instead of hate, you have love…well what more can you possibly ask for.

Fransico is the man!

I’m not Catholic. I don’t practice any religion. I always say I’ve been released for time served. My issue with church is the utter hypocrisy by leaders and congregations alike. I’ve found them very judgmental, intolerant of people who may not believe in the same doctrine as them.

Then along comes Pope Francis. He talks the talk but more importantly he walks the walk. He follows the tenets that Jesus Christ laid out during his time on earth.

I’ve seen the pictures and video of him washing the feet of the sick and the poor. Imagine the man who is considered one of the holiest on the planet who is humble, loving and truly believes that it’s our duty to help those in need.

He believes that it’s our responsibility to take care of the earth for future generations. It always amuses me when critics say he needs to leave climate change to the scientists. He has a degree in Chemistry so I’m pretty sure he understands the situation concerning it.

He is the embodiment of love. It’s not only in his words but how he interacts with people. The joy that lights up his face is infectious.

He’s rejected the grandeur and greed often associated with church. He doesn’t wear designer slippers. He doesn’t live in the papel apartments, effectively cut off from people. He prefers to sit in a wooden chair instead of a golden throne.

It doesn’t matter what church you were raised in. He is the embodiment of love. He walks the same path as Jesus who himself had issues with the wealthy for their greed, judgment and ignoring the poor.

He calls out those who are obsessed with making more, getting more at the expense of those who have nothing. He calls us out for our self motives, our unwillingness to not judge, to not forgive and for ignoring the poor.

We live in one of the richest nations in the world and there is never an excuse for people going hungry, for people who have no shelter. He’s emphasized that we should approach the world with love and understanding, compassion and empathy.

He challenges without being confrontational. He inspires others to to do good work without needing to be praised for that work. When you do things out of love for others you shouldn’t expect to be exalted for doing what we were told to do by Jesus himself.

Whether or not you are a believer doesn’t matter. Love, forgiveness, compassion and empathy aren’t just tenets of religion. Greed has always been a grievous act. When you spend a million dollars for a home when you can live in just a little smaller one and use the rest of your money, your time and your gifts to help others should be a no brainer.

The fact that the chase after the material things provides you with only a momentary kind of satisfaction is sad.

I do what I can and it’s not all about giving money. I don’t talk about what my family does to lend a hand to others because that isn’t why we do it. We don’t need a pat on the back for doing what those of us who have a roof over our head and food in our belly should be doing.

He truly is everything that is good about humanity. For the first time in my lifetime I believe he is truly a Holy Servant.

I encourage people to listen or read his words. To really think about your place among humanity. To ask yourself where can I help?

He teaches joy and mercy. Love and service. Most of all he is a quiet hope in a sea of utter chaos.

I admire the man, not because he is The Pope but because he embodies everything that is good in mankind.

Like/Hate 9/21

My hates today-

  1. Physical Pain – I thought when I became half the size I used to be would change everything in my life for the better. Unfortunately, I’ve has some of the oddest freaking things happen to me. The past few months have been joint pain all over and it’s starting to suck. I’m still trying different things to relieve it. This week I’m going to look at the food angle and see if it makes a little bit of difference.
  2. Insomnia – This goes hand in hand with #1. It’s hard to relax when your aching and even harder to sleep through it. I generally wake up 3 or 4 times a night. It’s catching up to me and I’m getting more exhausted now.
  3. Putting stuff off. I’m good at putting things i really don’t want to do off for another day.

What I’m liking today

  1. Being creative. I’m making bookmarks to sell at the store. I have a ton of beads (glass and crystal) and picked up some really nice ribbon. I spent my day off today making the bookmarks and am really happy with how they turned out.
  2. Vikings. Their history and mythology is fascinating. Those tall, warrior blonds with crystal blue eyes – seriously it doesn’t get any better than a man who looks like one – I do prefer blond hair, blue-eyed men so much I married one.
  3. The anticipation that is starting to build for the new Star Wars movie. The DH gave me two T-Shirts so far and I’ll be getting more but I won’t be stopping want the p,j’s, underwear and a remote-controlled Millennium Falcon.  Yes I do realize that I’m forty something but who cares. The day I have to act all prim and proper ( MY age) is the day that I’ve stopped caring about enjoying my life. Leave it to Beaver, Brady Bunch type of life is NOT fun. It’s stale, very shallow and B-O-R-I-N-G. No fun, and no sense of real pleasure can be had if I had to live that way.
  4. Laughter….because if you don’t have a really good belly laugh everyday you indeed have it bad.

I hope your week is filled with lots of laughter,


When They are Grown!

My oldest boy turned 18 earlier this year.

11403141_459546830893114_963926679849164892_nIt’s hard looking at pictures of him, when all I see is the cute little baby who hated leaving my side. Then I’m drawn back to the time when he was 13 through until he was about 16. It was a very difficult time. Teenage hormones and drama at home ,made life hard.

But My kid is strong. Inside and out. He loves me and knows that blood beats out everything else – 11018133_395668240614307_1590606622428552660_nHe believes in our family and both of his tattoos pay tribute to it. The one on his arm is a dual coat of arms, each side is the DH name and my family names. As are the colors and the actual names themselves.

Then he came home with this and while it’s not something I would do ( skulls really aren’t my thing) It makes me happy to know he understands where his loyalties lie. And the Est date is the year of his birth when we became a real family. HE also understands the “don’t ever get a girlfriend or wife’s name permanently affixed to your body- It’s the surest way to make sure the relationship will not survive. We all know people who thought they were going to be with someone forever and then surprise…it’s over and you end up having the fucking name until you get it lasered off or covered up. Don’t waste your time and your money…….he understands this.


12006296_484380471743083_1173745373677914044_nI’m lucky that I like most of his friends. Yeah there will always be a few who I’m not thrilled with but my boy so far has been good about weeding out the assholes and trouble-makers….He doesn’t need help in the last area. Compared to other parents and what some of these kids put their parents through, I’ve gotten off easy. The kid is anti everything. Drinking, drugging and smoking. He doesn’t preach to his friends but they all tease him and call him the “Good Kid” He just laughs and waits until the next time they are wasted and he screws with them, putting up 6 second videos on snap chat or on Vine. I don’t get it but the little shit gets me when I least expect it and usually when I’m bitching at him. Apparently his followers think I’m funny (yeah I’m not thrilled by this). My best friend told me her son does the same thing to her so it’s pretty common that kids are taking videos of their parents when they don’t know and then sharing them with their own friends. Gotta Love Technology.


11959965_476563969191400_6446361212451751487_nI’m thankful to have this young man in my world. He was planned, wanted and needed. I wasn’t nearly as good of a parent as I should have been. But I learned so much and today this kid is awesome. He works one full-time job, and is ready to start a second part-time job on an opposite shift. Putting money away for a brand new car ( unfortunately I can’t help him financially, but he understands why.) His work ethic is incredible, something he learned from his father and his Papa. He’s had a job since he was 16. He doesn’t expect us to do everything for him and that earning what you have makes you appreciate it more.

He is very independent and it took me awhile as a parent to let him have that. Managing their every move, trying to control their every decision and giving them everything they want churns out some pretty fucking entitled and bratty kids who aren’t going to be able to cut it in the real world when shit doesn’t go their way and they run back home to mommy and daddy to fix it.

I’ve had to let go and not question every facet of his life. From his NON-Girlfriend that he spends all his free time with to the stupid pranks he and his friends pull on each other. There will always be bumps along the way but as a parent when you step away from the drama and give your kids wings to fly, great things do happen. He may be laid back but that is because he stays out of most drama. He definitely doesn’t revel in it like I used to.

He still asks me everyday how I’m feeling and when he says goodbye he tells me I drive him crazy and that he loves me. He will always have my back. What more could a mom ever ask for from her child?

And because he is my concert buddy , this is a song that we sing together when we see Shinedown. My song to him…..


   I’ve talked about my hip issues for a while. My visit to the doctor earlier this week was kind of surreal. Apparently the pain , especially on the right side is caused from my pelvis twisting and not in a great way. I can only guess what has caused my hips to have this issue but that isn’t really important.

My options are PT, core/palates, or an ultra sound guided shot into my hip joints. PT is out because I simply DO NOT have the time.  I’ve had a couple of shots in my hip and they hurt like hell, so the idea of going to a specialist to receive another shot, deeper than the previous ones is also out. I don’t tolerate steroids at all. It throws me off-balance and brings out the worst in me. It’s something I’m not going to put myself through.

I’m left with core and palates training. This is supposed to help because it will engage my large back muscles and tighten them up. This should help with the pain and to keep my pelvis from twisting and it’s supposed to help relieve the pain I’m in daily.

They say you get used to hurting and since I can only take extra strength tylenol by choices are limited. I can’t take nsaids (motrin, aleve etc…) because I have no stomach acid to break them down since the gastric bypass. Most of the time I can deal with it but there are days when it gets a little out of hand. These days I only take pain meds when absolutely necessary and that usually just makes the pain tolerable.

I have no problem putting in the work to get things working the way they should. I don’t ever want to have to deal with a hip replacement. I’ve known too many people who’ve had things replaced and they have never fully recovered and live with as much pain as before.

I’ve just hit my prime and have no intention of stopping some of the things I really enjoy more than I’ve ever done so before.

Yeah, it’s a pain that I’m going to use every alternative treatment I can find to get some relief and not have it dominate my world. One of the big things I’ve learned this year is to really take care of myself. To relax – which is much easier now that the kids are almost grown. I refuse to live the second half of my life in pain, in a bad mood or waiting for things to change.

I’m a big believer in that if you don’t take care of yourself you can’t possibly enjoy life. Eventually you will succumb to the aches and it’s hard to be happy when you’re fighting pain.


  1. Waiting- I hate waiting for anything. I don’t have a lot of patience so waiting can be torture.
  2. School bus drivers at my kids school. I can’t fully express my annoyance with these people and am thankful I don’t make the kids ride the bus. I’m surprised there haven’t been more accidents in my school district.
  3. People who think they can tell me what to do, trying to control me. Doesn’t work and never will….
  4. Every person who is running for President. From buffoons, to liars, to religious zealots. There isn’t anyone I like. As far as I can see they are all crappy choices. Watching and listening to reasons why people love some of these candidates has me shaking my head. It also shows a clear understanding that people don’t get how things are run. While they all say “I’m going to do this or I’m going to do that…” It’s all just blowing smoke. At this point I’m ready to vote for DeezNutz as the commander and chief. No one respects us in the rest of the world and I don’t blame them. The priorities of some politicians are so fucking backward and we keep drinking the poisoned Koolaid every single time. UGH!!!!!!!!!! it all sucks.


  1. My garden. Everyday my DH jokes about the newest additions he finds in the fridge from the garden. No pesticides or chemical fertilizers were used and they turned out beautiful. Next year I’m expanding the garden from one box to five. Along with tomatoes, and peppers, I want to grow onions, green beans, lettuce, cabbage, peas and carrots. I also want to can next year (when I have the time it takes to do it)
  2. My bookclub- I have so much fun and the next meeting might include a young guy. The younger girls in our group are a little excited at the prospect of having a boy joy us. In reality I think he’s 25mbut to me he is a boy…lol.
  3. My circle of friends. I had dinner with a woman from bookclub on Sunday and had breakfast with a friend I met through our children. You can never have too many friends and socializing is so damn important for your mental health. I’m very lucky in that respect.
  4. The Weather – Since the spring the weather here has been great. We only had a few really super hot days – 90+ and the rest of the time has been fantastic. If the weather predictions hold true we will be warmer than normal and have a lot less precipitation this winter. Perfect!!!!!!!!!!
  5. Falling asleep. I have trouble staying asleep but that moments right before you conk out when your relaxed and the world melts away- that is priceless and I enjoy every second of it.