Frozen

Still sick and fighting insomnia has led me down a path I don’t want to go. Fighting my thoughts is exhausting. Why is it we can’t turn off our brain when it starts to go down a dangerous road?

It really pisses me off that I can’t turn the B.S. off. It gets old breaking through yet another wall, especially when I’ve tore it down before only to wake up one day and discover it’s back, stronger than before.

It’s a vacuum that sucks all my creativity, joy and energy from me. I start feeling sorry for myself and ask the universe why? Why doesn’t it stop. Why am I haunted by people. places and things that just won’t go away. I’ve done my damnedest to cut out the things that bring me emotional and physical pain and I’m so over waiting for those things to stop popping up in my dreams, and in my waking thoughts.

I’d give anything to be the kind of person who could forget. To continue to be angry instead of hurt. To stop being confronted by names and places that seem to be everywhere and I mean everywhere, every damn day! Hell, even my mothers surgeon’s name brings me nothing but grief.

I’ve tried to concentrate on all the good this year has brought me. Tried to find humor in the things I see and hear. I mean the past is just that the past and leave it there.

I’ll get over it, I always do and until then I’ll keep shutting down the thoughts as best I can. Dwelling on things only makes them worse. So I use the advice the therapist I used to see gave me. I let my thoughts play out to the end and then lock them away until the next time. I’ve removed so many people from my life. Family, friends and places. There are times when I miss them so much my stomach hurts and my chest aches. In the end we never remember the bad and only remember the good and that kind of sucks because when you remember the bad, it at least gives you a reason to not long for those times.

It will pass – until the next time and once again I will fight against it. As long as I keep winning the battle life will be good. But in the wee hours or at the end of the day, the mistakes and the roads you wished like hell you would’ve never traveled down come back and bite you in the ass. I’ll let the sadness work its way out of me and move on just as I have before and breathe a sigh of relief when it’s over.

And Just because I find him so freaking hot…lol

 

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