Empty

Sometimes when you have to take medicine for long periods of time, really for the rest of my life- it comes with side effects. But they aren’t always physical. I’ve reached the point (now that I have my shit together) that while I’m on the right path, I’m not feeling it- not really. Oh there are flashes, glimpses of emotion. It happens less and less as time goes on.

And it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone has wished at one time or another that they were numb when it comes to feelings, if only to get over things, and to not feel pain. So while I’m in a really good head space, my emotional space is pretty fucking empty. Oh I want to feel- something-anything. A spark, something to let me know that the flame is still in me, hiding and small but still there just waiting for the right time to re-ignite.

With all the celebrity deaths, it only reminds me how fleeting life is. How important it is to experience life, enjoy every single second of everyday. The trouble is when you feel nothing but apathy, you’re still missing out.

It’s been miserably slow at the store this week. It leaves me with way too much time on my hands to think. I”ve tried to force myself to feel something-anything. Anger, hate, love, passion, or envy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not walking around in a haze or not enjoying my family and friends but it feels very superficial. The connection isn’t quite there.

The worst part is that I know if I stop taking certain things to keep me healthy, I will start to feel things on a much more deeper level. There is a giant downside to that. Because the emotions that are locked away, unable to escape could overwhelm me at anytime if I cut back.

I know what I have to do. Stopping my meds is out of the question. Learning to dig deep and tap into what’s inside is the only option left to me.

Hopefully writing this post will help propel me forward in a positive way.

Sierra

 

MYS

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