A Matter of Marriage

Over the past few days, I’ve had a few conversation with women who are single by choice. I’ve often wondered if I could ever remarry if something ever happened to the DH. I’ve thought about this for a very long time. I’ve watched people jump from the frying pan into the fire. I’ve wiped tears of friends who continue date the same kind of man over and over again with the same tragic results.

Okay tragic may be a slight over statement but you get the picture.

My point is that frankly I don’t want to go through the whole getting to know you process. The inevitable disappointment when you realize they aren’t perfect. Waking up one day and realizing the HONEYMOON is over. Having a part of yourself never fulfilled. At this time in my life all I want to say to that is “FUCK THAT.”

I wouldn’t want to waste the energy of trying to figure out if someone is compatible with me or not. I’ve lost my desire to act like an adoring sot who hangs on a fella’s every word.  Nope, nope ,nope. I’m not afraid to be alone. I used to be but not any more.

Now don’t get me wrong. I love men and would have no issue dating, hanging out or whatever but getting into the whole emotional storm of I love you’s , I don’t love you. We should move in together etc…Not gonna do it.

I think the type of man who could grab that kind of attention from me doesn’t exist anywhere. I’m not high maintenance, well except for attention. I do love attention…lol.

He’d have to be many things. Hard working, kind, laid back, could calm me down, great sense of humor, prefers laughing over most things. Doesn’t try to keep up with the Jones or worry about how his life looks to others. He’d have to be able to get along with my friends, not be uptight, not lie, hide secrets, someone who’d rather sit around the fire and listen to some music then go out. Some one who could act goofy, really enjoyed discovering new things, not a complainer, bitcher or moaner about what they don’t have. Isn’t chasing the Benjamins and can put up with a monthly mood swings.

See what I mean? I know I would ask for a lot to take the step of ever-living with someone / married again. I hope I’ll never have to worry about all this. DH and I have managed to stick it out for 21 years and I don’t see that ever-changing….

But a girl does think about what if.

Frustrated!

For the last 3 weekends I’ve been sick. Usually 12 hours of my own bodies special hell that has put a damper on my mood. Hopefully soon I will have some answers and it’s nothing serious.

Once upon a time when I was feeling scared, sad, mad or any other strong emotion, I used those feelings to write. It pisses me off that I’m unable to tap into those things anymore. Fixing my health and my brain chemistry has had an effect on my writing. I open my laptop every day and just stare at the blank screen. Willing the words to come and if and when they do, I hate every single one I manage to get down.

I question every sentence, every paragraph and every idea. Does this sound realistic? Would a man ever think that, or feel that? Would my heroine trust so easily? At the height of my writing, I tended to write some dark, emotional stuff. At this point I don’t want to write dark, tormented kind of romances. I don’t want it to be angst ridden.

I’m going to try my hand at something lighter, maybe with some humor. Something easy and fun. I’ll never write the next great American novel nor do I want to. Writers, a hell of a lot more gifted than I’ll ever be were destroyed by the demons they rode when creating their works. I have ZERO interest in that.

I’ve told myself that I couldn’t get anything done because I didn’t believe in the romance aspect of what I was writing. What I realize now is that I don’t HAVE to believe it can really happen but only need to believe that it’s not an impossible thing. Just because I may not experience certain things, feeling etc…doesn’t mean that most people don’t.

It’s easy to forget that I’m  in charge of my words and if I listen and let the characters tell me their story then I can take my own experiences and beliefs out of the equation. My disappointments, my negative feelings toward certain things doesn’t have to be a part of my characters.

I used to put some pieces of people I knew into those characters. I’m hoping like hell this may help me get out of the fucking desert I’ve been in for years now. I looked back and I haven’t finished anything new in 3 yrs. 3 fucking years of feeling like an absolute failure and I’ve reached the point where I’m just fucking sick of it.

No more over analyzing every word and instead just write for fun. Write because the characters living in my head want a story of their own, not be laden down with my anger issues, my insecurities, my hurt, my love, or my beliefs on life.

I think I’ve tried so hard to “keep it together” that I’ve become frozen and it’s time for a fucking thaw. There’s too much to be written. So I’m going to really give it a shot. Keep it light, keep it cute and most of all keep it about love.