A Reason to Celebrate

It’s no state secret that I have HATED the month of June for the last few yrs. My medical & personal issues all came to a head back in 2012 starting June 1rst.  Since I’ve always been depressed from June 1st until the month ended.

But not this year! This June- even only 2 days in- has brought more joy then I could ever imagine. My oldest son lost his way a little bit last year. It wasn’t entirely his fault. He’s seen things no kid should. His difficulties with school made me worry about what life would bring him. His love of street racing terrifies me every time I think he’s heading to Detroit.

My deepest wish though has been granted. My baby boy was offered a job with Chrysler. The DH works for them as well, but my boy didn’t get in because of DAD. He filled out an app online, and called human resources about job openings. For my son this is the opportunity of a life time. One where he could go into a skilled trades apprenticeship and have the chance to live a comfortable life if he’s smart about it- unlike his mom…lol.

He’s one of the maturest 19 yrs old with the exception of his fascination with fast cars, which has put more than 1 wrinkle on my face. But he’s very private about most things. As mom I drive him crazy because I want to know where he is. He thinks I’m being too motherly. I can’t help it, he’s my first-born. He was planned, wanted and I loved him the second they laid him on my tummy.

If the rest of my month continues like this, I will be in 7th heaven.

The Twins will turn 16 next week. The time has flown by so fast and in 2 short yrs they will be off to college. I’ve been blessed, and humbled by my children. They love me, are crazy protective of me and I think worry about me as much as I worry about them. It’s a good thing. Half my DNA resides in them and so far it’s been the good part.

I’m celebrating Trevor’s accomplishment. I had nothing to do with it and I couldn’t be more proud of the direction he has been making to secure his future without Mom and Dad.

Sometimes life throws you something that makes everything worth the effort.

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A Matter of Marriage

Over the past few days, I’ve had a few conversation with women who are single by choice. I’ve often wondered if I could ever remarry if something ever happened to the DH. I’ve thought about this for a very long time. I’ve watched people jump from the frying pan into the fire. I’ve wiped tears of friends who continue date the same kind of man over and over again with the same tragic results.

Okay tragic may be a slight over statement but you get the picture.

My point is that frankly I don’t want to go through the whole getting to know you process. The inevitable disappointment when you realize they aren’t perfect. Waking up one day and realizing the HONEYMOON is over. Having a part of yourself never fulfilled. At this time in my life all I want to say to that is “FUCK THAT.”

I wouldn’t want to waste the energy of trying to figure out if someone is compatible with me or not. I’ve lost my desire to act like an adoring sot who hangs on a fella’s every word.  Nope, nope ,nope. I’m not afraid to be alone. I used to be but not any more.

Now don’t get me wrong. I love men and would have no issue dating, hanging out or whatever but getting into the whole emotional storm of I love you’s , I don’t love you. We should move in together etc…Not gonna do it.

I think the type of man who could grab that kind of attention from me doesn’t exist anywhere. I’m not high maintenance, well except for attention. I do love attention…lol.

He’d have to be many things. Hard working, kind, laid back, could calm me down, great sense of humor, prefers laughing over most things. Doesn’t try to keep up with the Jones or worry about how his life looks to others. He’d have to be able to get along with my friends, not be uptight, not lie, hide secrets, someone who’d rather sit around the fire and listen to some music then go out. Some one who could act goofy, really enjoyed discovering new things, not a complainer, bitcher or moaner about what they don’t have. Isn’t chasing the Benjamins and can put up with a monthly mood swings.

See what I mean? I know I would ask for a lot to take the step of ever-living with someone / married again. I hope I’ll never have to worry about all this. DH and I have managed to stick it out for 21 years and I don’t see that ever-changing….

But a girl does think about what if.

Frustrated!

For the last 3 weekends I’ve been sick. Usually 12 hours of my own bodies special hell that has put a damper on my mood. Hopefully soon I will have some answers and it’s nothing serious.

Once upon a time when I was feeling scared, sad, mad or any other strong emotion, I used those feelings to write. It pisses me off that I’m unable to tap into those things anymore. Fixing my health and my brain chemistry has had an effect on my writing. I open my laptop every day and just stare at the blank screen. Willing the words to come and if and when they do, I hate every single one I manage to get down.

I question every sentence, every paragraph and every idea. Does this sound realistic? Would a man ever think that, or feel that? Would my heroine trust so easily? At the height of my writing, I tended to write some dark, emotional stuff. At this point I don’t want to write dark, tormented kind of romances. I don’t want it to be angst ridden.

I’m going to try my hand at something lighter, maybe with some humor. Something easy and fun. I’ll never write the next great American novel nor do I want to. Writers, a hell of a lot more gifted than I’ll ever be were destroyed by the demons they rode when creating their works. I have ZERO interest in that.

I’ve told myself that I couldn’t get anything done because I didn’t believe in the romance aspect of what I was writing. What I realize now is that I don’t HAVE to believe it can really happen but only need to believe that it’s not an impossible thing. Just because I may not experience certain things, feeling etc…doesn’t mean that most people don’t.

It’s easy to forget that I’m  in charge of my words and if I listen and let the characters tell me their story then I can take my own experiences and beliefs out of the equation. My disappointments, my negative feelings toward certain things doesn’t have to be a part of my characters.

I used to put some pieces of people I knew into those characters. I’m hoping like hell this may help me get out of the fucking desert I’ve been in for years now. I looked back and I haven’t finished anything new in 3 yrs. 3 fucking years of feeling like an absolute failure and I’ve reached the point where I’m just fucking sick of it.

No more over analyzing every word and instead just write for fun. Write because the characters living in my head want a story of their own, not be laden down with my anger issues, my insecurities, my hurt, my love, or my beliefs on life.

I think I’ve tried so hard to “keep it together” that I’ve become frozen and it’s time for a fucking thaw. There’s too much to be written. So I’m going to really give it a shot. Keep it light, keep it cute and most of all keep it about love.

 

Thank You!

I’ve been a bad blogger. There has been a several stressers lately. Without going into detail, I’ll say family, friends, sickness and owning your own business has finally exploded.

It’s been going on for while and without thinking, I find that I’ve fallen into some bad habits. I thought I was feeling pretty damn good. I’d lost 30 pounds. I hadn’t cried in a long time. I was feeling a little too happy.

I want to say a sincere Thank-you for pointing it out to me.

I came home and took an inventory of my medication and realized that I haven’t taken it like I should. While not a conscious decision, it’s not a good thing if I miss them.

Shit builds up. The more you push it down the worse it ends up being. Because you find that you could explode and take your stress out on someone else.

I was proven right that  “time (doesn’t) makes you forget the bad and only remember the good.” No matter when you’re told that. Because when people aren’t happy in their life, they will remind you that the past, as they  remember it is your fault. Even if they were snowed by someone else’s LIES. And even if they themselves weren’t honest to anyone.

I’m grateful I was reminded of the things that don’t rule my life.  But, I’ve also come to realize that I’m not going to tell someone what they want isn’t important.

I also realize that I’ve been angry over the past few weeks. Yeah I know part is hormonal, but it’s mostly about stress.

The last thing I want is to be an angry person again nor do I want to cause anyone any pain. While their was some petty juvenile mud slung my way, I feel more compassion then anything else. I’d rather love then hate. I’d rather feel bad for what they may be going through.

Through all the B.S I still have been given a lot over the years. When your happy that your doing what you want, aren’t blaming the world ( and yes I’ve done this very thing and won’t go back again.) for the difficulties you put yourself in, and  take care of yourself, the past doesn’t have power over you anymore.

Sometimes there actually isn’t an ulterior motive. Sometimes it’s only a hello.

 

 

 

1 Year of Gratitude

1 year ago today, I made one of the scariest decisions of my life. I bought a book store. I had retail experience in my 20’s but didn’t really have a clue how to run a small business.

It’s been a year of learning and growing. One I wouldn’t have had without the support of my family and friends. It came at the perfect time. I had a big emotional hole in myself and never thought I’d be able to fill it again.

Being here everyday, working to make it look the way I wanted, kept me so busy that thoughts that used to haunt me started taking a back seat. Old negative feelings that I had blamed on circumstances were slowly fading.

The actual physical work in the store was only the beginning. Customers old and new came in. Day after day. New faces , who’ve become not only regulars but good friends.

Thank you hardly seems adequate when it comes to how grateful for every person who walks through the door. We have fantastic people who come in, have a seat and talk. I’ve been really surprised by the love and even gifts from some of them.

Whether someone spends a $1.50 or $120.00, we treat everyone the same. Hopefully they know they are appreciated and it’s because of them that I’m in business.

The positive impact on my life has been pretty dramatic as well. We all have those really bad days but mine are few and far between. Being helpful and kind. Saying Hello and Thank-you or even something as simple as smiling has help to lift that dark cloud that used to hover above me.

I may never be a millionaire, but finding peace is priceless. I’m pretty happy. I know I’m a much better person than I’ve been in years. I prefer to see the good in people versus the rotten parts. I’ve found something to put my heart and energy into.

The only downside, the one thing I haven’t been able to recover is writing. A few years ago, I couldn’t stop the ideas, the hours of tapping away on the keyboard. This isn’t the case anymore. I try not to think about it too often because it only drudges up stuff I don’t want to get into. At this point I’m not sure if I’ll ever write again. It’s the one thing that I’m missing in my life but with all the good that has come my way, I refuse to focus on this one thing. It’s sad for sure, and I’m a little bitter that my love for writing romances has pretty much disappeared. I wish I could explain why it hasn’t come back but the reasons aren’t important.

I’m grateful. To my friends, my family and too all the wonderful people who come to the store. Karma has been kind to me this past year and gives me hope for an even better 2nd year.

Love,

Sierra

Life is a Highway

I love that song. Many, many years ago I listened to it over and over again. My friends and I would belt it out when it came on the radio. It was a feel good song. There have been several songs like that. I don’t think I will ever get enough music in my life.

I’m learning that bad memories will fade – if you let them. Instead I concentrate on all the good memories I have about people, places & things. What I used to go to as inspiration, I’m using again. Concentrating on all the wonderful things and using that as my muse. When you try to put the shit things in life behind you, it makes room in your heart and soul for all the good ones. As each day passes, I’ve learned to throw out the bad, negative & hurtful things I’ve done or that may have been done to me. Appreciate every good moment I’ve ever had. And without trying to sound arrogant, I know what my greatest strengths are in all areas of my life and will strive to remember them when I get stressed or hormonal…lol.

I’ve sat with my laptop and have begun just that. Using all the good, the muses who helped fuel my fire and writing without apologies and will continue to do so, probably forever. Yes, forgetting the bad helps, but remembering the sweet is doing infinitely more for me then anything else I’ve tried. At this point in my life,  I’m no longer curbing my thoughts & feelings because they are MINE and mine alone. I no longer say the words Never and Forever in my life because nothing is guaranteed -nothing and I don’t want to make a liar out of myself.

Now on to the music…

80’s Throwback

Going with the 80’s music today. I was a teenager, in high school and loving life.

 

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