April 1rst, not just for fools.

April 1rst, the day I “officially” take over the bookstore-my bookstore. I’m trying to embrace the positive things that have and are continuing to go my way. It’s been hard NOT to think that something bad is going to come my way.

Learning to embrace all the good without expecting the worst has been an exercise in patience and faith not only in myself but in the world at large. Learning to accept and find joy amid the chaos has taken a long time but I’m closer to that mind-set then I’ve ever been before.

Living life on my terms is a little hard to get used to. I was always about the kids and making sure their life was everything mine hadn’t been. I’m glad I was able to stay home with them but since they’ve entered High School they don’t need me as much. If I didn’t have the store, I might have been a little lost.

That has been a large part of my issues for several years, I was always waiting. Waiting for phone calls, waiting for school to get out, waiting…waiting…waiting for something-anything to happen. When you become used to waiting for life to begin, every little thing that offers you a glimpse of freedom is intensified tenfold. Things that aren’t really important in normal circumstances suddenly become what you live for.

Learning to live for me and enjoy the gifts I’ve been given has been a long time coming. I don’t selfishly FUCK up in order to be validated or feel good about who I am as a person. When I thought I’d lost everything that meant anything to me, it shook me to the core.  As I’ve said before, it fundamentally changed WHO, I really am. While I’d love to blame certain people or places, I’ve come to learn that at my lowest point, it was merely a culmination of the bullshit I’d allowed my world to become.

I found balance to be key. Quality time, not quantity of time spent with family and friends has boosted my mood, my creativity and my drive. Boredom was always the enemy and I’ve replaced it with anything I can think of that brings me happiness and pleasure. Working every single day has tired me out a little, I always come home and am grateful for where I am and what I have.

I’ll never have a fat bank account, a big assed house and I probably won’t take vacations to Europe anytime soon but what I’ve found is so much more satisfying. It’s good to be able to pay your bills and have what you need but I’ve learned the difference between having what you need and having what you want. Chasing my wants and being disappointed when I don’t get them is no way to live. Finding satisfaction in what I have has been freeing and I wish that everyone could understand this idea and find what makes them truly happy.

Love, passion, laughter are what I strive for. What I hold most dear and what I won’t do without. Regret, anger, resentment and the drive to fill my world with “stuff” always leaves you wanting more, something real and something with meaning.

I’ve been around people at my very best and my worst. I’ve also had people in my life at their best and worst and I know that time doesn’t change what was and nothing or no one will ever experience the same thing I have…no matter how obtuse they behave or their insistence they are in a better position than I.

Our experiences are NEVER duplicated by any else and there is an underlying satisfaction in knowing this and being able to smile and laugh. With each the sayings about forgiveness, honesty, happiness are all true. I forgive not for anyone else but for me. I love what I love and feel no regrets about it and I do what I do that pleases me. I’m not interested in anger, hatred, revenge or wishing others harm.

I’m not perfect nor do I want to be. I can’t possibly imagine the pressure of striving for the perfect life must be. How suffocating it is to the heart, mind, body and soul it is.

The greatest gift I’ve been given is that I don’t want to change anyone or anything to fit into my ideal of how things should be but instead accept myself and people for who they really are beneath the facade. I won’t ever be that desperate person who makes myself appear to be the victim. Who will do or say anything to make myself seem better or more than who I am. I will never again be the “crazy bitch” that people can use as an excuse for their problems. I’ve learned the truth in life always finds a way to the surface. I don’t want to be a part of the drama anymore. Not mine own or anyone ELSES. Believing you are good enough for exactly who you really are is amazing. As such life has again become something to look forward to. Something to smile about and it feels so DAMN good. Never settle, never sell out and never be anything other than who you really are. No one can keep up with being who they aren’t.

 

Spring has finally come!!!!!!

Feb felt like the longest month instead of the shortest. But with winter behind us, spring fever is in the air and I couldn’t be happier. While it will be muddy around here for a month or so, I can deal with that because it will dry up. I have so many plans for my home as well as the store and my writing.

VJ & I are submitting 2 stories to Ecstasy this week. It suck waiting for a reply but hell I’ll take it. Changeling has asked for 2 more stories in our Queens of Merab series and of course my seemingly never-ending edits with EC – thank the universe I has a great and patient editor, who’s been waiting for me to finish.

The first 4 Merab books are available at Changeling in 1 volume in print and tells the story of Temair and her consorts.

Nuriel, the 2nd princess already has her first 2 stories at Changeling and when she is done we’ll being moving on to the 3rd and final princess Sorcha. Her four stories will complete the series and we will say goodbye to Merab- unless the story bug bites.

I’ve done a lot of work on the store and we are getting back customers that we lost after they thought the store was closing. It’s great news and with some strategic advertising that will reach about 30,000 households, I’m hoping it will bring in a few hundred new customers.

I can’t wait to work on my back yard and finish the gardens that I’ve started since I don’t have to worry about kids trampling it. I have re-purposed wood I’m using to make garden boxes. some for vegetables and others for flowers and other greenery. There is a plethora of how-to videos online and some great ideas recycling items that most people toss away. It’s become very important that my family recycles as much as possible. Recycle.com is one of my favorite sites. We’ve become such a throw away society with no thought to what’s is done and continues to do to our waterways and landscape. My favorite place is lake Michigan, the beaches there rival anything the east and west coast have to offer- without the salt water.

Fire pit and handmade furniture are also on the agenda and a couple of walks through the woods to gather items for my fairy garden.

I also need to find someone who will make new kitchen cabinet doors. The originals were made in the 70’s are thick, heavy wood. But they aren’t standard size, so we have to get them made. I don’t want to go to a company for it, preferring an individual who cares about whether what they produce not only looks good but will last. I’m thinking dark cherry or walnut.

I have so much to look forward to and so much to work on that I’ll be busier than I’ve ever been. On the plus side I haven’t watched television for 2 weeks and I don’t miss it. T.V has always been a distraction and we all know the more we’re hooked on the tube the less we have to think or do other things. It’s a great way to unplug from everything around you and I just don’t have any interest in it that much. I do dvr everything and when I’m in the mood and have a spare hour I try to get caught up on the shows I love the most- Vikings and the Big Bang Theory being my must watches.

Right now I’m sick as fuck. I have 2 different infections and because I’ve worked everyday for the last 3 weeks I guess it caught up to me. Time to increase the vitamin intake and remember to eat (I have a hard time when I’m busy and since the bypass, food isn’t the first thing on my mind.)

I hope my fellow mid-westerners enjoy the rising temps as spring opens her arms.

2015- An Awesome Start!!!!

   So much has happened so far this year and it’s been good. To start, this is the bookstore I now own. My daughter snapped the picture of me, so I look like I’m frowning but don’t be fooled, I’m deliriously happy. The kind of happy you feel when you pay off your mortgage or when you get to see Karma at work- it is a sweet feeling and I look forward to the rest of the year.

  I’ve done a lot of work, rearranging things and still have a way to go but it’s worth working everyday and I mean everyday in order to make things easier for customers. There are some exciting things coming this year. Author signings, starting up the monthly book club.  To cap things off, I’m in my final edits for Egyptian Touch, which will be released by Ellora’s Cave.

VJ and I were invited to submit 2 stories to another publisher and then work on our newest series, which I think we may self-publish. Though we haven’t decided yet if we’re going to do that or submit to another publisher we’ve been looking at.

I’ve waited for things to look up and here they are. Once I stopped focusing on the negative, everything good started happening.

There has been a couple of times I wanted to write a blistering blog but decided against it. Why bother bitching and moaning when things are going better than I ever imagined? Beyond the store and the writing, I’ve lost 13 pounds. I have 13 more to go and I’m determined to take care of the rest over the next couple of months.

Karma is taking care of things for me. Like a person who brought all kinds of negativity is now fat and dumpy or how someone who has jumped from the frying pan and into the fire. You can see the “Oh fuck, what have I done.” in their eyes while they hide behind a fake smile. Desperation surrounding them. I’ve always thought I would revel in that but instead I find myself filled with compassion at their plight.

I’ve finally reached the point where nothing bad that comes my way will ever take me back to that dark place and I’m so grateful for what I’ve been given. Everyone needs a purpose, some fake their way through things, not because they really want it but because it provides the perfect distraction from their unhappiness.

I truly understand that Karma will get her due and you always have to pay for the hurt and pain you cause another. I feel as though Karma has extracted her payment for the things I’ve done over the past few years and now I get to enjoy what I love. Working for myself and writing like mad.

In this moment, I have peace and purpose not because I have obligations but because I’m doing what I love and that is the best gift the universe could give me.